Jokes
Please tell a joke and spread the cheer!
Also, what philsophical concept does the joke depend on...
I'll start.
Man: God please save me.
God: As .doc or .pdf?
Category error
:D
Also, what philsophical concept does the joke depend on...
I'll start.
Man: God please save me.
God: As .doc or .pdf?
Category error
:D
Comments (71)
Zeno walks halfway into a bar.
Egyptian General: We're getting pushed back, what should we do?
Soviet Adviser: Retreat!
Egyptian General: We've lost all the territory we'd originally gained, what should we do?
Soviet Adviser: Retreat!
Egyptian General: The Israelis have now advanced well inside our borders, what should we do?
Soviet Adviser: Retreat!
Egyptian General: We run the risk of being completely overwhelmed, and having our entire nation come under Israeli occupation, what should we do now that retreat is no longer an option?!
Soviet Adviser: Now......we wait for winter!
Yeah, I know, pretty lame.
Musta went over your orange.
A: She got hit by a bus.
Q: What is worse than a full worm in an apple?
A: The holocaust.
Q: What is brown and sticky?
A: A brown stick.
Q: What is blue and smells like green paint?
A: Blue paint.
I'll be here all night.
:)
How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
[quote=https://www.anti-joke.com/posts/17547-man-walks-into-a-bar-and-pauses-at-the-other-end-of-the-bar-there-s-this-guy-with-a-big-orange-head-just-kind]Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.[/quote]
Well, I didn't invent it. I remember reading that it was voted by comedians as the best joke in some poll. The joke being that the punchline is not something you'd see coming. You'd think that he got tricked or some such, or otherwise was a victim of hi-jinks, but it turns out that he just wanted an orange for a head.
I don't think that the build up makes it any better, verbosity rarely improves anything in my view.
Jokes with anticlimactic punchlines work best if they're long. The humour is in the build up of expectation that is never satisfied. It just doesn't work as well with a short joke.
It's not anticlimatic. It's both unexpected and absurd. In either case, I'm bored by the end of long jokes, my attention span isn't that long.
1st grade came and went, as did all of elementary school, then came middle school, playing sports, making friends, having his first girlfriend, joining clubs, going to high school, excelling at school. He was normal in every way, just never made a sound.
One day, soon after he finished high school and was preparing to go to college, he was sitting at the table eating dinner and he leaned over to his father and said "pass the butter." Amazed, his father seeing he could speak perfectly well, asked why he had never spoken in all these years.
He said, "everything was fine until now."
----
So there was this dog and its owner thought it was really, really shaggy, so it's owner put it in the town shaggy dog contest. The dog competed against the best in the town, and it was found to be the shaggiest dog and it was given the first place medal.
The dog then entered the county shaggy dog contest, and when faced with the competition of the other town winners, it still prevailed. The judges remarked at how amazingly shaggy it was.
The dog then went to the state shaggy dog contest. Every county winner faced off against this dog, but there was no contest at all, the dog was so shaggy, it instantly took first place.
Then came the region state shaggy dog contest. Shaggy dogs from all over came to compete. One judge's jaw dropped open when he saw this dog and declared him the winner because he was so incredibly shaggy.
The national contest then arose, and the shaggiest dogs from all over the nation were brought together, but it was a simple decision. This dog was the shaggiest and it took the first place trophy.
The dogs from all over the Americas were summoned and pitted against one another in a huge showdown of shagginess. As it would have it, it was not close, this dog was again declared the shaggiest of them all.
The dog then competed against dogs from all over the world , winning every local contest that there was. It was not even close.
Finally, there was the elite cumulative international shaggy dog contest, where only the shaggiest dogs from the world over were invited to attend for the ultimate shaggy dog contest. The dogs were brought before the judges one at a time, spun around, inspected, and then judged.
The judge said, "that dog's not that shaggy."
I've heard that analyzing jokes makes them not funny before. Many many times in fact, must make it so. To dig ma grave deeper, I think that an analyses, is usually not funny, until done comedically, which is possible, and that goes pretty much without saying, but I don't think that a joke becomes less funny when explained, it's just the explanation itself which is usually unfunny.
Seems like just a stuck up thing that people say to make people that don't get the joke feel even stupider, and not wish to admit to not getting it, and just laugh anyway. That's the polite thing to do.
I don't read posts that long, not even my own.
See, I'm immune.
Now that I've explained my joke, can I use it next time without fear of anger? Feel free to do the same to me. In fact, what I want to do is start using it as my signature sign off. Like, instead of saying "sincerely" or something like that.
Eat Shit,
Hanover
I'm insulted that you would think that I'm that easily insulted. Even though I would have been insulted, as most things insult me...
I'm just really trying to get better at thinking about other people's feelings.
Eat Shit,
Hanover
I did that once. The toilet was broken.
I'm getting a weird sense of deja vu here.
Remember that time I wrote an insult and you got insulted because you thought it was about you even though it wasn't. And @Banno reckoned the insult wasn't even that insulting anyway. Though it was supposed to be. Though not to you.
I'm not sure what insults me either, really. Can't say in advance, better to just not care, or continue to worry about it. Either one.
That's impossible! I don't actually recall, but it probably didn't happen.
I do actually hope that you'll elaborate though. I've been primed to avoid feeling and expressing being insulted now, so do your worst.
You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.
Really. It was on the old PF. I don't remember the details but it was maybe ten lines of hyperbole. You apologized afterwards for being insulted by me and I gracefully accepted.
I don't see why the condom factory should be implicated in the abortion failure.
Although I suppose your parents were somewhat to blame. But then how is a Canadian to know that a brother and sister can have babies?
That last part I find the most difficult to believe.
Seemed like a non sequitur. Though I may have been unplanned, and unwanted, but definitely the favorite. Everyone's favorite.
Yet again you have proved yourself a liar and a cad, but it is the coward in you I find most distasteful.
I never saw the goonies, so I had to look that up. I do feel sympathy for something like that. I mean, its pretty easy to be mean to someone that you think is a loser, or ugly or something. I feel bad about the difficult life someone like that would lead. Kids can be cruel, but usually people grow up.
Well, at least I proved something.
Ha. 'cause it ain't a real person.
That's why I don't think The Annotated Alice [...In Wonderland] was any good.
Michael Ossipoff
No, it's like a puppet or something, but something of an analogue of someone born with sever mental and physical degradation... and you're basically making fun of them for it...
Aren't you like 28 or 30 by now, man?
Ever hear of Dante's four levels of meaning? I can understand why he would have gotten so deep into analysis, I mean, there was only one good book back then. Dum dum tis.
I believe it was Martin Gardner who annotated it.
Did he do it in order to ruin the humor?
What book was it?
The Annotated Alice was annotated by Martin Gardner, and was probably published in the '60s, or maybe the '50s, at the earliest, most likely. There were probably a few good books at that time.
Reword?
Michael Ossipoff
Michael Ossipoff
Sorry, but it would be uncouth for me to explain.
It is the only place that can go from bad jokes to personal insults in less than 20 posts.
And the insults are not even funny.
Quoting Michael Ossipoff
Quoting Wosret
Oh, ok, the only good book during the '50s or '60s was porno.
Forgive me, but I must admit that I'm not good at, or interested in, the sarcasm game. I assume that people mean what they say. I have no guess about what you mean, but that's ok..
Michael Ossipoff
The good book is the bible.
Good for what?
Readin', mostly. Also talkin' 'bout, and chucking both figuratively and literally at times.
Person B: No.
Person A: Somebody asked him why he would name his cat Aristotle. "Because it sounds better than David Hume!", he said.
No. 29.
Thank you for causing a family feud. Wife had rearranged the books, so that when I went to check the date of publication, the Annotated Alice had been removed from its obvious location amongst the logic books and placed, for no obvious reason, amongst the children's books. Shame.
But that was not the cause of the dispute. Wife had the nerve to claim ownership of said volume!
1960, is the answer.
Well, at the least there was Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
Are you looking for a girl friend? My single 74 year old sister is available. She's totally immune to anything with double meaning--sarcasm, complicated jokes, figures of speech, etc. I think it's an early sign of alzheimers. You two could go down hill together.
Why would that bother an Irishman?
Is this more insulting?
"The better part of [so and so] ran down his daddy's leg."
One penguin said to another, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo.
The other penguin said, "Who says I'm not."
Mama, why is daddy not moving?
(louder) Mama, why isn't daddy moving?
(very loud) Mama, what is the matter with daddy?
Shut up, kid, and keep digging.
Thus is identified the lacuna of falsity in my sorry tale. The shame.
No, thanks anyway, but that's ok, I don't really need 2 girlfriends..
No thanks, I wouldn't want to marry into your family. She might let you visit the house, and that wouldn't be acceptable.
It's a sign of taking a forum's topic and guidelines seriously.
If you don't, that's no business of mine, but I'd prefer to not hear from you.
For your sister's sake, I hope she has the good judgement to not include you among her associates. It isn't her fault whom she's related to, or what she has for a brother.
Evidently this forum-website doesn't have much farther downhill to go, if it permits postings such as the one that I'm replying to..
Michael Ossipoff
I got a better one:
A man walks into a bar.
His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
Without a penis.
There is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to be serious and a time to joke. They who do not recognize a joke (in a jokey thread) travel under a heavy yoke.
The diva leaned back in her banquette, arms around two gorgeous black guys, and said, "I like my coffee the way I like my men."
"I'm sorry, madam; we don't have gay coffee."
You said:
But I thank you for the offer anyway, though I'm not interested.
But don't give up on my account. Maybe youwill be able to pimp-out your sister.
Michael Ossipoff
Amen brother.
I guess I could say that about everybody I ever insulted, they all asked for it.
Now I feel better about my life. :D
Nietzsche's cat
"Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to dinner?"
[hide="Reveal"]He got the cold shoulder.[/hide]
[hide]He got the raw skin[/hide]
For me jokes/ humour relies on purposeful misinterpretation/taking things out of common sense context:
Usually by taking the figurative/ common sense and making it highly literal and rational (often at the expense of obvious moral/ethical consideration) which leads to "Dark/twisted humour" as in the sense of the the following example 1:
Example 1 - "Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night, light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
It's correct rationally, but horrific ethically, and that discrepancy leads to the shock factor and humour.
Example 2 - My doctor told me to "cut my alcohol intake", snips scissors through flow of wine before drinking. I don't know how it'll help but Doc said to "cut it" so.
Idiocy or stupidity of interpretation, daftness, is amusing for those that acknowledge how it should obviously be interpreted.
Missing the point, or pointing out other logical aspects of a statement that aren't inherently thr purpose of the statement is also funny:
Maths problems: if jenny has 64 chocolates and eats 42 of then what does she have now?
Ans: diabetes. Jenny has diabetes.
Or "if John has 6 apples in one hand and 9 apples in the other, what does John have?
Ans: freakishly huge hands.
It's sensible but misses the point/context.
I think all humour depends on this misinterpretation. Which is "dry wit" - cutting down to the simple/logical (sharp/witty) but dry (without common sense). It is blunt, ironic, emotionless, apparently unintentional and slapstick.
Of course it is intentional as if it wasn't intentional it would be psychopathic. And not so funny then.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None... lightbulbs in the world of appearance are but dim shadows of the eternal form of the Lightbulb, which always shines perfectly in the realm of ideas. All they do is argue about whether you're seeing a bulb or not.