Regret.

Reply to Aidan buk

I'd say that makes you a more introspective and honest person than the majority of humans. It's a good thing. Go with it and cultivate that. In the long run, you'll have more refined and interesting ideas to show for it. Just make sure it doesn't become debilitating.

Reply to Aidan buk

It may not be as important as you think, what you say or how you say it.

Quoting Aidan buk

I feel I can't justify what I feel about something in a few words as you do in a social interaction

I don't think you're supposed to.

You just say something; if you have anything to say, it will come to you, and if you've been engaged in the conversation, a lot of the "what you say or how you say it" will have been decided for you. I have found that I struggle the most to express myself when I am not interested in the conversation, or when I don't have anything to say. And the conversations that ask for more thoughtfulness will ask for it on both sides. If someone says or asks you something without giving it much thought, I wouldn't think to hard about how to respond.

I guess it'll depend on where you are from, but for example, when someone asks "how are you?", often times they aren't really asking how you are, and you shouldn't sweat on being very accurate about it. You could, but then the other person will let you know one way or another if they actually cared.

First, I think there are already a couple of good responses. I will just add a little in case you are a bit of a weirdo like me :wink:

Quoting Aidan buk

I feel I can't justify what I feel about something in a few words as you do in a social interaction, like Id have to go home, think about it for a few hours then write something as my response for it to be a true reflection of me.

Many of my posts here require multiple revisions (close to zero are written and sent in one go...I already noticed a typo that I will have to correct in this one :grimace:), so I think I can relate. Early in life, I started to watch others and just memorize the expected responses. Also, I have always been a people pleaser, so I noticed the answers that made people smile. Now, I rarely struggle in daily conversations as things like work and school have a structure to them; and I have experienced the vast majority of interactions before, so now I know what to expect, and additionally, I know which answers succeeded in the past (this is obviously more appropriate for "small talk" than a philosophical discussion, but most social interactions seem to be mostly "small talk").

To be fair, this all results in a somewhat disingenuous engagement with most people (I am still being genuinely me, just in a very limited sense). Once I get to know people (like years, or maybe if daily interactions occur, just several months), then I start showing more of myself and people are surprised to learn that I am not always a nice person. I think most people operate this way (presenting a limited version of themselves at first), I just spend more time thinking about it (overthinking might actually be THE problem).

Also, just as a comparison...when do you start to doubt what you said? For me it is usually hours later, and I think, wait why did I say that?!?! Is that how it works for you? Or are you aware during the conversation that you are just spewing crap (I just mean that relative to how you actually wished to represent yourself)? And one more, I almost never regret NOT saying things. Even if I look like an idiot to everyone else, if I am silent all night I will have no problems with that later. On the other hand, I have had nights where I am the center of attention (very rare), and by the end of the night my head was spinning from all the annoying shit I said.

Reply to Aidan buk Reply to ZhouBoTong Everything you’ve both said is startlingly familiar to me.

Sometimes I won’t begin to regret my words until hours later, but other times at social gatherings I get that moment of self-awareness in the middle of a conversation, ‘why am I even saying this?’ So I just have to stop talking or let the conversation end naturally and regroup.

I am also quite content to be silent all night, but at other times I have sometimes regretted not coming forward with a heartfelt word or two for someone who I realised afterwards probably would have appreciated it. It takes me too long to formulate the ‘right words’, and the moment is missed.

I think it highlights, for me, the incohesiveness of what we call the ‘self’ or ‘consciousness’.

Funny, but Tuesday at work I said something I regretted the instant the short sentence ended. It was in a three way conversation...and I could barely wait until it ended so I could mention to one of the people my regret.

But that said, now that I am an old fart, I find myself regretting many things I've said (and done) from my distant past. Some of these things come up out of the blue...most often as I have laid my head down to go to sleep at night.

Bottom line: You cannot change what is past, but you can use things you regret from the past to improve the now and tomorrow. Time spent regretting it CAN BE wasted time...after the lesson for improvement has been learned.

Reply to Possibility Thanks for your answers everyone. I've heard of a theory which suggests the nature of your thoughts change to accommodate those who you are interacting with? Makes sense in terms of social success. Perhaps it's the subjectivity of most things I say, for example, I could say I hate tennis - I can't empirically prove if I truly do or don't - but I can go back and forth in my mind in persuit of this answer. I don't know.

Also I regret saying things normally instantaneously after saying them, sometimes while I am saying it, but I am too invested to stop. I think the bottom line is me being afraid of people thinking I am unintelligent. It sounds shallow but I'll be honest. We all have an image of ourselves we try to chase, money for most.

Quoting Aidan buk

Every single thing I say lately, I question is it correct and often I find almost everything I say isn't a true reflection of what I think.

Every single thing? Including that?

Quoting Aidan buk

I think the bottom line is me being afraid of people thinking I am unintelligent. It sounds shallow but I'll be honest.

I wonder if I can comfort you at all. Firstly, the impression you give here is very far from unintelligent or shallow., Secondly, and more importantly, for an intelligent person, thinking is not a fixed thing, but a process. I think, and then I have second thoughts, and third thoughts, and so what I say now, is subject to later revision - I might be quite wrong, and see no shame in being wrong. On the contrary, one who cannot admit to being wrong cannot learn much.

But here is a fairly safe place, where it is perfectly acceptable to propose things that you do not think, but wish to see how others respond to, and the more you engage with people and say stuff, the better you will get at saying stuff clearly and working through to at least some stability in your ideas. And if ever you can bring yourself to say to another, 'you have convinced me that I was wrong', you will be deemed a hero of the forum, and a model of open-mindedness.

Awesome article. Thanks!

Reply to unenlightened Thanks for this answer and your opinion :)

Also, I was incorrect in my statement that I always regret what I say. It's more typical in social situations where thoughts are more externally pressured and answers are quicker, that I regret most things, as opposed to being on my own, writing online for example.

Quoting Aidan buk

Every single thing I say lately, I question is it correct and often I find almost everything I say isn't a true reflection of what I think. It's like someone different is speaking, almost like I play a dumber role than when I'm on my own. I feel I can't justify what I feel about something in a few words as you do in a social interaction, like Id have to go home, think about it for a few hours then write something as my response for it to be a true reflection of me. Any thoughts? I've thought it better to just not get involved with something unless I'm able to give my full thoughts in short and which I have previously established as correct (to my standards at least).

Well, I think the thread title is open to all kinds of interpretation. 'Regret' can be of different kinds and degrees. It is an umbrella term - your regret is a particular on a spectrum.

I think we all have experienced annoyance at ourselves for some words that fly from our mouths without our brain being sufficiently engaged. It is why I prefer to take time and write rather than to give a quick phone response. However, I think it worthwhile to practise a slowing down and rather than worry about self, listen more and ask questions of the other person before attempting any 'involvement'.

It is good to be aware that we humans can slip up and not say the right thing at the right time.
Regret, here, can be used positively, as unenlightened said:

Quoting unenlightened

more importantly, for an intelligent person, thinking is not a fixed thing, but a process. I think, and then I have second thoughts, and third thoughts, and so what I say now, is subject to later revision - I might be quite wrong, and see no shame in being wrong. On the contrary, one who cannot admit to being wrong cannot learn much.

Quoting Aidan buk

I've thought it better to just not get involved with something unless I'm able to give my full thoughts in short and which I have previously established as correct (to my standards at least).

It is a mistake not to engage until you find the perfect words. Avoidance of communication limits your opportunities to grow.
Regret and Remorse taken to a different level where mental health is affected. Decision making. The path not taken...

From an article I read today:

'Amy was in danger of falling into another trap outlined by Dryden: if you avoid doing anything that you might regret later, you will disengage from relationships, opportunities and eventually life itself – and the irony is, there is no more powerful source of regret than that.'...

...'One of the things I try to do with these kinds of patients is to help them develop an awareness of who they are and what they have done,” she says. “Regret comes in a spectrum” – at one end, there is regret for others; at the other, there is “self-regret”. This is where many of her patients start out: some regret being caught, a lot regret having been transferred to the high-security hospital because it is better to be seen (and to see oneself) as a criminal than as mentally unwell. But the hope is that over the long course of treatment – between five and 10 years or more for her most disturbed patients – she can repair some of the psychological damage from neglect and abuse in their early lives, and their regret can become focused on others rather than the self.

This kind of meaningful regret for others, she says, is “a tremendous achievement, but it takes a long time before the mental structure, the scaffolding of the mind, is sufficiently solid to be able to experience it.” When I ask what that looks like, she replies: “It gives me goose pimples thinking about that question, because I’ve had men ending up in floods of tears. I remember one man, who had never cried in years of therapy, staring at me with watery eyes and saying: ‘If I start, I know it’s never going to stop, because there is an ocean of tears to come.’

From:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/27/regret-can-seriously-damage-your-mental-health-heres-how-to-leave-it-behind#comments