How to learn to make better friends?

Reply to Posty McPostface If you want to make friends, then you have to hang around with other people: actual, face-to-face warm-blooded mixed-bag people. Your recent experience should give you a clue: you found the pastor who visited you a nice guy. Maybe he was fulfilling his job description; maybe he really cares. I don't know the guy, so I can't tell. But churches are open to strangers and generally churches are welcoming. Not all of them, of course.

Some newspapers have run regular "church reviews"; the reviewers always find that some congregations are friendlier and more welcoming than others.

I'd try a church group. They tend to have the lowest barriers to admission (as a stranger). You don't actually have to believe everything they say (for best results, don't declare it all bullshit right away, or out loud.). Pick a church that has a coffee hour after church. That's usually a good place for low key socialization. Adult education talks by guest speakers can be good too.

I'd avoid churches associated with fundamentalism, right wing politics, and the like. They tend to be much fussier than mainline churches, but liberal churches can be kind of fussy too. Don't try one church and then give up because it wasn't a great experience.

Find a volunteer activity. Give to get. Volunteering in an organization can be a very effective way to find people to connect with.

Does NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) have support groups in your area? Support groups can be quite helpful, and sometimes one can meet people there who are very likable. Sometimes hospitals run support groups.

You will have to get up off the couch and go outside to find other people. Sorry, I don't know of any home delivery services for friends.

I could pay you to hang out with me, assuming you're not totally nuts, but alas I live in a subtropical paradise (overcrowded hot rock) in the middle of the pacific ocean. Off course you'd probably be bored by my limited intellectual acumen and lack of knowledge about deeply abstract subjects. But that is what the $$$ is for. Everything has been nearly debased to serve the $, might as well push the donkey over the cliff.

I think the Japanese rent folks for social occasion (even Grandmas).

Reply to Nils Loc

That gave me a chuckle.

Quoting Posty McPostface

I struggle with making friends.

I don't.
I got used to not having friends since I was young. We moved around a lot so I never got to know anyone really well. I have come to be friends of a sort with work mates in the different places I have worked but when I moved on the relationships more or less ended.
I spend most of my time working. If not at school then on school work at home. Then I have my projects, building my house, fixing the car, cutting the grass, looking after the animals(cats and dogs only at the moment). But I enjoy doing these things, I get pleasure from them when I see another project done.
I do a lot of reading, listening now that my eyes are not too good any more. Not just university stuff but different types of novels and stories. It gives you something to think about and to talk about.

I hear people talking about the best buddies from school 30 years ago, they see at least a couple of times every year and I think "What the fuck for?". I don't even speak the same language as the people I left in England forty something years ago. I hear them on the radio and on television shows and I wonder what the hell they are talking about. It is not that I don't speak English any more, it is just that they talk about some many things I don't know about.

I don't know what it is like where you live, but even here in the murder capital of the world you can still meet and talk to people by going to the shopping centers or even supermarkets. Go to the movies if there still exist where you live, if you go several times you will probably start running into the same people and have a chance to talk with them.

Quoting Posty McPostface

I need a much-needed change in surroundings.

If you can find your way here, you could work teaching English and live in a relatively cheap place with lots of pretty girls. You can back track along the immigrant caravan trail to get here. Maybe Trump would even pay you to come if you promised to bring some of those people back here with you.

Quoting Posty McPostface

Maybe I need a girlfriend; but, I'm way too Platonic to entertain one.

Maybe you don't need a girl friend, but having a girl for a friend can be nice without being a burden.

There is no universal rule to making friends or better friends, it is just a get out there and do it kind of thing. You have to know people to become their friend.

Quoting Posty McPostface

Online life makes things very linear and straightforward. A definite shift in consciousness when engaging in online activities is unconsciously processed.

Life is a line between birth and death, I don't think you are helping yourself by making it linear and straight forward. Take side trips into the unknown.
Go to an AA meeting.
Sign up for tutoring where kids are struggling to keep up with school.
Get a job washing dishes in the crappiest restaurant in town.
Go help out at an old folks home.

Then go find a nice garden or park to sit in and think about how crappy other peoples lives can be.
You have a good brain, I am not sure but I don't seem to remember anything about you having any physical impediments.
I see no reason why you should not make the decision to change things and then find a way to do it.

Excuse me for going on so much and if I have said anything that might offend you I am sorry. I could not think of any jokes to cheer you up.

Have you considered selling sex toys door to door? I'm pretty sure you would meet at least a few people that way. You would at least have quite a few interesting stories to tell later on.

"Good morning, Ma'am. Is your old dildo ready for a retread? How about a turbo-charged vibrator? Perhaps I could interest you in this irresistible pheromone that is guaranteed to draw men! No? This penis enlargement pump works on breasts too. Here, let me demonstrate..." (door slams in face; or worse, she pulls you into her house).

If that doesn't work, you might consider joining a monastery. Avoid the kind that observe long silences. Benedictines seem to be quite social, especially if they are running a college or something like that. (By the way, are male-to-female transsexuals allowed to be come nuns?)

One of my less successful gay relationships was with an alcoholic ex-Benedictine monk--part of the Polish diaspora. He had been in the order for... 8 or 9 years. Didn't take final vows. Life in the habit didn't seem all that restrictive. He was a mean drunk. Maybe his exit from holy orders was somewhat less than voluntary.

Quoting Bitter Crank

Have you considered selling sex toys door to door? I'm pretty sure you would meet at least a few people that way. You would at least have quite a few interesting stories to tell later on.

"Good morning, Ma'am. Is your old dildo ready for a retread? How about a turbo-charged vibrator? Perhaps I could interest you in this irresistible pheromone that is guaranteed to draw men! No? This penis enlargement pump works on breasts too. Here, let me demonstrate..." (door slams in face; or worse, she pulls you into her house).

Laughs ensure.

You cannot make friends, you cannot have friends. The nearest you can make is a robot, the nearest you can have is a slave.

Perhaps you can be a friend. Probably not a good friend, certainly not an ideal friend, but we are lonely, and not all that fussy.

Quoting unenlightened

You cannot make friends, you cannot have friends. The nearest you can make is a robot, the nearest you can have is a slave.

Would that include sex robots and willing slaves? :wink:

Quoting Posty McPostface

Anyway, how do you make better friends?

Ah, the Eternal Question. :wink: I'm autistic, so this question has been central to my life. Sadly, the answer has not. Making friends is very hard. I look forward to reading how others have managed to find and keep friends.... :up:

Quoting unenlightened

Perhaps you can be a friend. Probably not a good friend, certainly not an ideal friend, but we are lonely, and not all that fussy.

Sometimes I think you write all your posts on MDMA.

:rofl:

Be the kind of person you want to attract.

Quoting matt

Be the kind of person you want to attract.

Thank you Matt.

Quoting Posty McPostface

I struggle with making friends. Almost all my intellectualizations are safely put in through this forum and I'm a really intellectual person.

One of the best things in life are friends, so I would put that top on your list of things to do, i.e., making friends. I've always had two or three really good friends, but it's never been easy for me to make friends either. Hopefully you'll find a friend of like mind. Good luck Posty.

Quoting Bitter Crank

Have you considered selling sex toys door to door?

:smile: :smile: :smile:

Well, the best I can suggest is that a global philosophy forum may not be the best place to seek such advice. We're all over the world and many of us will not be expert, or even modestly capable, in such arenas.

Can you find forums that focus on your local area? If not, start one perhaps?

Quoting Jake

many of us will not be expert, or even modestly capable, in such arenas.

:smile: :up:

Reply to Posty McPostface You could go to a meetup group. I went to a philosophy meetup group a while ago and it was like here except when people argue and insult each other face to face it's more exciting. Some guy got really mad because no one would take his alleged paranormal experiences seriously. He left the room with the group leader saying "good day sir" or something like that. I didn't go back, not so much because of the fireworks, but more because it was too far to drive when I could just get online here and get pretty much the same.

But, yeah, the way to make friends is to interact with those who have similar interests. If you go back to school, for example, you might make a friend. If you're annoying, and I don't know if you are, that will be an impediment to making friends. So don't be that.

Reply to Hanover

I love fireworks. And that dude seemed to be troubled by the experience. I feel sorry for people who cannot convey their own truths to other people and hold it inside.

What is this thing called a friend?

Quoting LD Saunders

What is this thing called a friend?

I don't know. We're both scratching our heads aren't we?

I think a friend is someone who will tell you when you're doing a wrong when you think you're doing a right.

We won't go out of our way to correct ungrateful wrongs.

Quoting Jake

many of us will not be expert, or even modestly capable, in such arenas.

Except for me of course, because my social skills are so very excellent, so much better than all of the rest of you, which is why everybody loves me so much on forums. :smile:

These comments were rather entertaining and interesting to read through, that's for sure. I myself can offer very little in the way of advice, but I just wanted to say you are certainly not on your own.

I only have online friends at the moment - partly because my kind of people are always hiding behind computer screens, like I am now, and partly because it is so much easier planning what I am about to write than planning what I am about to say. For this reason I often wonder what it would be like having a robot friend - soon as I'm always basically communicating to a computer rather than an actual human face. I think I would actually find it very satisfying. As long as it was a robot that looked like Tars out of Interstellar, rather than a creepy human-looking robot.

Anyway, I have gone way off track. I would suggest involving yourself in different societies that have things in common with you - like a philosophy society at a university. As for myself, I'm just hoping that one day I'll be able to meet some interesting theoretical physics enthusiasts - which I presume I shall find... somewhere. Otherwise I'll just go with plan B and make myself a robot.

Quoting Posty McPostface

Anyway, how do you make better friends?

Get involved with social meetups that have something to do with your interests. That's easier to do if you have a variety of interests and some of those interests are relatively common, but we know that you at least have philosophy as an interest. So for example look for philosophy discussion meetup groups. You'll be able to find some via meetup.com. Another way to find discussion groups is by querying philosophy faculty at your local colleges/universities. They may know of some that you can participate in, and they may even participate in them themselves. A third way to find discussion groups is to query local bookstores, coffee shops, etc. where more intellectual or "hipster" types hang out in your area.

A related thing to look for is free lectures and book readings in your area. If you're anywhere near any big city, there will be some. They may not be on philosophy, but just attend any in topics that you're interested in.

Then, once you start participating in those, talk to a lot of the other people who are participating, outside of the "formal" event--you know, talk to them when people are milling about before and after the event. Some people you'll click with, some you won't.

Basically, you just need to interact with a bunch of people, and realize that not everyone is going to be a good fit for your own personality. If you interact with enough people, you'll find people who will mesh and who will become friends.

If you're socially awkward/shy, you simply have to push yourself at first to talk to others, realizing that it probably won't go very well at first, because you're not practiced at social interaction and you're not comfortable with it. The only way to get better at it is to practice it--you have to keep doing it, and you might need to basically force yourself to do it at first. If you have anything like Aspie tendencies, so that you tend to seem weird or "creepy" relative to social interaction norms, you'll probably get a lot of reactions where people rather quickly try to stop talking to you. If that's happening, try just being straightforward with those people. Say, "I'm sorry but I'm very socially awkward and I'm trying to learn to be more skilled at it. I get the feeling you're uncomfortable with me. I apologize for that. I don't want to bother you, but it would be a great help to me before you go if you'd try to quickly give me some insight into why I'm making you uncomfortable--then I can maybe improve my social skills. I won't be offended by anything you say. Please be honest--that's the only way I can improve." And then actually listen to what they say and try to make adjustments based on it. Obviously, one needs to at least temporarily drop any ego to do this.