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Depression and the Will

Shawn August 14, 2018 at 20:52 11125 views 66 comments
I just reread my old topics about the Philosophy of Depression and Embracing Depression. It seems that in my view depression is fundamentally about the will. Schopenhauer is perhaps the best philosopher about the issues of depression and the will or just depression and philosophical pessimism in general.

What I'm trying to say is, why is there a link between depression and willpower? People stuck in depression often chastise themselves over their own lack of willpower to lift themselves out of their depression. Is it that pessimism robs one's self from the ability to will oneself out of depression?

What do you think?

Comments (66)

Heiko August 14, 2018 at 21:07 #205784
Reply to Posty McPostface Nietzsche had some interesting theories about this. Like some kind of morbid deformity. For example the will to feel bad when listening to sad music.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:08 #205785
Reply to Posty McPostface If depression is at base pessimistic then an understanding of pessimism in terms of what a depression characterizes is an adequate reference point to understand depression as a whole.
Pessimism im terms of depression seems to be a pessimism of overcoming or changing; that is, living a life that is not chained to that pessimistic depression.
Depression is usually constitutive of an inability to overcome certain aspects about one's existence that have associated with them negative emotions or pain.
The pessimistic depression consists of an inability of not finding a way out but finding a way around, onto a different path atop different premises. These different premises would be what would be constitutive of happiness or positive emotions. Often a depression is because of an overwhelming number or magnititude of negative emotions and experiences, and the future seems to be determined by these experiences.
In order to find a different path and a different future, one must inevitably act and think and plan based on something else, which is extremely hard. Depression is often because one has a reason to be depressed: they will the depression. They will the depression because they do not want to let go and accept the indefinability of these negative emotions and experiences. People do not want to let go of how they feel because that would be departing from oneself... That is where the radical acceptance comes in.
It seems to me that the inability or unwanting to let go and accept completely the unchangeability of the past is because one is uncomfortable with that past. It is easy to accept having been happy, because one allows these happy experiences to lose their determining quality and add to their totality of personality. A negative experience, on the other hand... One does not often want negative experiences to be integrated into the personality. But this must happen. One must accept the darkness in order to not have a light that only exists in relation to such a darkness.
"A tree can only reach the heavens if its roots reach down to Hell." C G Jung
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:11 #205786
Quoting Heiko
Nietzsche had some interesting theories about this. Like some kind of morbid deformity. For example the will to feel bad when listening to sad music.


Yes, if you care to expand please do. I'm quite interested in his views on the will and mental ailments like depression. I'm not sure if he explicitly talked about depression though.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:13 #205787
Reply to Posty McPostface Nietzsche was interested in a radical acceptance of the human in terms of Ubermensch, the ideal human... The overhuman. Typically people look at sad experiences or depression in terms of something bad, something that needs to be expunged. Nietzsche would have disagreed. "To live is to suffer; to survive is to find meaning in the suffering." Friedrich Nietzsche

The meaning of life is reaching something, but in reaching that something the meaning will have been in the reaching.

Sadness would not exist if it were not juxtaposed with happiness. And thus it is that we base ourselves in how far we have reach down into the abyss but, consequently, we will know how deep we ourselves are.
"When you look into the abyss the abyss looks into you." Nietzsche


Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:15 #205790
Quoting Blue Lux
Depression is usually constitutive of an inability to overcome certain aspects about one's existence that have associated with them negative emotions or pain.


So, again an issue of motivation, and the power of the will. Is that correct?

Quoting Blue Lux
Depression is often because one has a reason to be depressed: they will the depression.


Huh? How can one will one's self into depression? That would be extremely irrational, no? Unless this is an unconscious process, yes?

Quoting Blue Lux
hey will the depression because they do not want to let go and accept the indefinability of these negative emotions and experiences. People do not want to let go of how they feel because that would be departing from oneself...


I thought depression was remedied by realizing those feelings, and not suppressing them? Or are you talking about suppressing them and not realizing them? Perhaps, I got the reasoning wrong?

Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:19 #205792
Reply to Posty McPostface The realization of a negative emotion is inconsequential. What is important is not letting it remain in its determining configuration, as it will determine the future and it will chain you to it, because it is outside of you, not integrated, not accepted. Accepting an emotion is not suppressing it actively. But that is what would happen eventually, for the unsuppressed emotion is that which persists and characterizes the Will's inability to escape it.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:20 #205793
In case anyone is interested in the modern day conception of 'willpower':

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/willpower.aspx

Pretty good read. Seems intrinsically linked with motivation; but, motivation is more internal than willpower, which is more malleable and external facet of human nature.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:22 #205794
Reply to Posty McPostface Depression is willed because one does not want to free that emotion. One wants it to determine them because of its power and its individual meaning. One feels that this emotion is greater than the self and if one 'loses' it, one will lose themselves in the process. In a sense it is true, for a personality consists of emotions... But a personality is the integration of emotions. If one does not integrate then one will disintegrate as such. Is it a coincidence that depression is often characterized as a falling apart?
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:24 #205795
Reply to Posty McPostface Realizing and accepting a negative emotion will inevitably deprive that emotion of its power--its power to determine.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:25 #205796
Reply to Posty McPostface The question is not to be a Stoic, non-emotional person... But to have power over one's emotions and have the Ubermensch as the ideal! To OVERcome.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:26 #205797
Quoting Blue Lux
The realization of a negative emotion is inconsequential. What is important is not letting it remain in its determining configuration, as it will determine the future and it will chain you to it, because it is outside of you, not integrated, not accepted.


This is interesting. So, you're saying that a negative emotion is inconsequential insofar as it is not accepted? Therefore, the talk therapy of psychology is helpful, yes?

Quoting Blue Lux
Accepting an emotion is not suppressing it actively.


So, therefore you are talking about the unconscious process' of defence mechanisms or such?

Quoting Blue Lux
But that is what would happen eventually, for the unsuppressed emotion is that which persists and characterizes the Will's inability to escape it.


Unsuppressed or suppressed, not sure I'm understanding you here.
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 21:32 #205799
Quoting Blue Lux
to survive is to find meaning in the suffering


...and overcome it?
Depression, seems to me, to be a completely useless and destructive human-condition. Allmost like fear, but not quite. As fear can be a rational feeling, and warn us of dangers, yet be an irrational feeling that prevents us from thinking rational.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:36 #205802
Reply to Aleksander Kvam Depression itself is a condition... But I think, contrarily, it is very useful. It shows a person their depth. It also shows a person their power if they overcome. "That which does not kill you makes you stronger." Nietzsche @Posty McPostface
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 21:41 #205804
Reply to Blue Lux But if you dont overcome it, its self-destructive...a disease.
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 21:42 #205805
is depression rational?
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:44 #205806
Reply to Posty McPostface Quoting Posty McPostface
Accepting an emotion is not suppressing it actively.
— Blue Lux

So, therefore you are talking about the unconscious process' of defence mechanisms or such?


Not necessarily. What I am referring to is the fact that, subsequently, down the line after accepting an emotion, the emotion's power over the will becomes suppressed. The accepting is not the will to a suppression but a will to allowing different emotions to come and influence and be accepted and integrated as well... And the more and more this happens... The more integrated emotions constitute the personality, and therefore the less power and influence each singular emotion could have. For the integration of an emotion does not completely strip the emotion of its power, it simply allows other emotions to materialize and show their significance, which is an aim of talk therapy or psychoanalysis.

Quoting Posty McPostface
Unsuppressed or suppressed, not sure I'm understanding you here.
13m


Sometimes people think that suppressing an emotion is not bringing awareness toward it, or remaining unconscious of it, allowing it to metastasize. This is the case prior to the acceptance of an emotion, which suppresses it in terms of its determining power and influence OVER the will.
Heiko August 14, 2018 at 21:49 #205807
Reply to Posty McPostfaceWhat springs to mind: drunkenness of emotion (Dionysos), cultural decadence (noblesse of suffering) and the turning-backward of natural destructivity (will to power).
I could not summarize this along the lines of Nietzsche (as he is really hardcore), but the general statement would be it is not the inability to "lift (yourself) out of depression" but the inability to stop yourself sinking into it. The depression itself, the painful thought as uncontrolled will to effect, as exercise of power in the absence of power to effect the world.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 21:50 #205808
Reply to Aleksander Kvam That depends. Some people do not want to get rid of their depression for good reason. Some people, in this case, can only live depressed. They cannot live without their negative emotions, because there are simply too many of them. They hold on to them.
Or, perhaps, after the integration of so many negative emotions into the personality, one finds themselves still at a loss. One simply has too negative of a personality.
But this is not the end.
Creativity is the key. Creating new experiences. Creating new understandings for oneself. Living differently.
The true definition of insanity and furthermore irrationality is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
But, what do you do if someone does not want a different life? What if someone does not want to change?
In that case...
Psychoanalysis could uncover a subjugated will that is, prior to anything else, not able to find meaning in changing.
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 21:55 #205810
Reply to Blue Lux ...so people like being depressed? :meh:
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:56 #205811
Quoting Blue Lux
What I am referring to is the fact that, subsequently, down the line after accepting an emotion, the emotion's power over the will becomes suppressed.


What do you mean by this? Do you mean this in the manner that emotions that are suppressed are also affecting the will in a negative way?



Shawn August 14, 2018 at 21:57 #205813
Quoting Heiko
I could not summarize this along the lines of Nietzsche (as he is really hardcore), but the general statement would be it is not the inability to "lift (yourself) out of depression" but the inability to stop yourself sinking into it. The depression itself, the painful thought as uncontrolled will to effect, as exercise of power in the absence of power to effect the world.


So, it's an endless spiral out of control? Perhaps, the issue, then-past willpower-is control?
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 21:59 #205815
willpower and control seems to me to be the same in this scenario....
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:01 #205817
Reply to Aleksander Kvam I personally, in my depression, have found myself wallowing in it, willing it further, in the past. It's not that I 'liked' it as much as I found meaning in it, aside from anything and everything else that seemed meaningless.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:02 #205819
Quoting Aleksander Kvam
willpower and control seems to me to be the same in this scenario....


Yes, there's certainly a causal relationship between the two. But, chicken or egg? When one has no willpower they feel out of control of their lives or some situation; but, not being out of control and having no willpower?
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:02 #205820
Reply to Heiko Yes, agreed! It is not so much an alleviation as it is a stopping of a sinking.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:05 #205821
So, is it:

I have no willpower, therefore, I feel out of control? (The converse doesn't sound right.)
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 22:06 #205822
So willpower is the life-perserver in the ocean of depression. Low willpower could only mean that you are more likely to succomb to depression. But I fail to see the benefits of depresson, unlike fear, that I mentioned.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:08 #205824
Reply to Aleksander Kvam Changing away from depression is a realization of benefit. Thus changing from a depression is finding a way it benefits you.
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 22:10 #205825
Reply to Blue Lux So why "will it further" ?
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:10 #205826
Reply to Posty McPostface It is a spiral out of control for the personality, for the personality which would be a lack of totality in relation to the negative emotions that have more power and more of a control on the personality. Nietzsche would say to empower the personality by all means... Which would be the integration of emotions into the totality of the personality, empowering not emotions themselves but that which they become a part of constituting, namely the personality.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:12 #205827
Reply to Aleksander Kvam Willing it further is the result of the inability to accept the emotion. It is the result of finding more meaning in the emotion, the reference by which life is understood. Negative emotions become a reference of meaning, and the willing further of depression is essentially an outcry. It is the fact that one cannot find meaning elsewhere, and they cannot find a will to integrate it and empower the personality.
Heiko August 14, 2018 at 22:13 #205828
Quoting Posty McPostface
So, it's an endless spiral out of control? Perhaps, the issue then past willpower is control?

One side is the reflected judgement, the other is the urge.
How long could you blink with one eye first and then the other instead of blinking simultaneously?
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:17 #205831
Reply to Heiko

I'm not sure I understand your argument here. Please elaborate on what you have in mind.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:26 #205833
Quoting Blue Lux
It is a spiral out of control for the personality, for the personality which would be a lack of totality in relation to the negative emotions that have more power and more of a control on the personality. Nietzsche would say to empower the personality by all means... Which would be the integration of emotions into the totality of the personality, empowering not emotions themselves but that which they become a part of constituting, namely the personality.


And, how does one go about this? How do you integrate those emotions that are a drain on one's willpower?
BC August 14, 2018 at 22:26 #205834
Quoting Blue Lux
I personally, in my depression, have found myself wallowing in it


We are sorry to inform you that Mr. Posty McPostface has established a firm claim to the unique characteristic of "Wallowing". "Wallowing -- it's what I do." That was in his pig avatar phase. Perhaps he has relinquished the claim, but probably not.

Quoting Blue Lux
Depression is willed because one does not want to free that emotion.


I'm not buying this theory.

Quoting Posty McPostface
I thought depression was remedied by realizing those feelings, and not suppressing them?


"realizing those feelings" (whatever they are) makes them available for evaluation and intervention. Just realizing them doesn't make them go away.

The reason they call it "depression" and not something else is that "depression" is a dysfunctional, lowering of mental/emotional functioning. Depression can be mild (feeling sort of blue these days); moderate (I can't sleep, can't get my work done, i feel awful); severe (Maybe I should kill myself; I have a gun and nobody cares, anyway); and terminal (catetonia -- one is emotionally, cognitively, physically unresponsive, and if this goes on long enough, one will die.

Many people with depression actually exhibit quite a bit of will power. They do not feel like it, but they make themselves get out of bed, take care of the children, do their work, take the dog for a walk (the dog isn't depressed, after all and insists on it), and so forth. One can not will one's self out of depression -- I don't care how much of an übermensch/Superman one thinks one is. What one can will are decisions: changes in life that will perhaps make one feel better. Quitting a bad job, moving into a better neighborhood with less dirt, noise, disorder; quitting a bad relationship; and so on. None of these sorts of changes are guaranteed to make one less depressed, but wallowing (sorry Posty) in the same shithole month after month is certainly not going to result in progress.

Some people seem to have depression which is moderate to severe, is not caused by circumstances, and will not improve with a change in circumstances. They may have to receive extra care, and these days, medication and/or electroshock therapy (which seems to help severe and terminal depression).
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:30 #205837
Reply to Posty McPostface I could provide a personal example, but I am very reluctant to post my own experiences.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:30 #205838
Quoting Bitter Crank
"Wallowing -- it's what I do." That was in his pig avatar phase. Perhaps he has relinquished the claim, but probably not.


I haven't wallowed all that much today. Perhaps, a little; but, significantly less today. :blush:

Quoting Bitter Crank
wallowing (sorry Posty) in the same shithole month after month is certainly not going to result in progress.


All good. I think the Prozac is kicking in so, no harm was done... :blush:
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:30 #205839
Quoting Blue Lux
I could provide a personal example, but I am very reluctant to post my own experiences.


Go ahead. Nobody's judging.
BC August 14, 2018 at 22:30 #205840
Reply to Blue Lux What on earth is keeping you from disclosing your experiences? You are posting behind an opaque screen.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:33 #205841
Reply to Bitter Crank Quoting Bitter Crank
I'm not buying this theory


No one asked you to buy it. No one asked you to completely adopt it.
Perhaps you could elaborate on it and tell how it could be false or incomplete or not taking into consideration other important factors of a depression.

Yes, depression has a lot of will. I will reference Freud again. "Depression is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign one has been trying too hard for too long."

And btw, I have based this conception not on my own accord, but on personal experience in helping my own depression. And this was done by an analysis of Freud, Jung and Lacan.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 22:34 #205842
Quoting Bitter Crank
Many people with depression actually exhibit quite a bit of will power. They do not feel like it, but they make themselves get out of bed, take care of the children, do their work, take the dog for a walk (the dog isn't depressed, after all and insists on it), and so forth.


Yes, they are compelled to do these things, otherwise, the anxiety, which is the identical twin of depression, tends to kick in. But, I would surmise that depression is robbing one's self of their willpower. As to why is a general mystery still...
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:35 #205844
Reply to Bitter Crank I am very reluctant to say that electro shock therapy does anything other than Force one out of their feelings and thoughts altogether. This is not a therapy as much as it is an imposition by people who want to make money.
BC August 14, 2018 at 22:35 #205845
Quoting Aleksander Kvam
I fail to see the benefits of depresson


I've been depressed for a long time and I haven't seen one single benefit from it. Disease is not beneficial. Disease is harmful. We don't have to find some hidden silver lining under the shit pile.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:38 #205846
Reply to Bitter Crank And in thinking like that you will never change to experience something different. You will be constantly in the determined configuration of needing something beyond you to lift yourself out. It is you that will have to grab the rope to pull yourself out of the hole.
Depression is the result of strong emotions. Strong emotions are inevitably an expression of the depth of a person. There is much a person can do with depression. Just because you have not personally witnessed a benefit to 'depression' does not mean that there is absolutely no benefit. The benefit will be in pulling yourself out. You are in a hole and you can beat yourself up about it and say that you do not have the ability to get out... But once you find a way out you will not be downing yourself anymore. You will premise, pre reflectively, your totality and realize your strength.
BC August 14, 2018 at 22:43 #205849
Reply to Blue Lux Years ago, I would have agreed with you. It was used far to often on far too many people with no observable benefit, other than that it may have made patients more manageable because they were in a daze afterwards. However, after ECT became anathema and was seldom performed, it was found that severely to terminally depressed patients didn't respond to medication, did respond to ECT.

ECT is more complicated than it looks. For instance, most patients are properly sedated before they receive ECT. However, it was found that severely depressed patients with certain kinds of neurological disorders responded much better to ECT if they received a small dose of caffeine first. I don't know why the caffeine helped, but it did.

Still, most people who are depressed, or have other mental illnesses, are NOT candidates for ECT.
Aleksander Kvam August 14, 2018 at 22:53 #205850
Depression has also been described as having NO emotions. like being in a coma or being sedated or something. Just throwing it out there.
Blue Lux August 14, 2018 at 22:56 #205853
Reply to Aleksander Kvam That would be apathy... Which is often a result of the struggle of depression... But does not define depression.
BC August 14, 2018 at 22:56 #205854
Quoting Blue Lux
"Depression is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign one has been trying too hard for too long."


This ties in with the observation that depressed people are often perfectionists. The set very high standards for themselves which they can not fulfill, and feel like failures for not achieving the undoable. I don't know why depression stimulates perfectionist tendencies, but it seems to in many people -- it certainly did for me. By nature I am a big picture person and do not like dealing with the details that are involved in perfection. "Close enough for government work" is more my approach.

Another problem with "depression" (Freud, Jung, and World Congress of Psychoanalysts not withstanding) is that a lot of things get labeled as "depression" which are not. For instance, many people are...

intensely frustrated by their circumstances
very angry
over-worked
lonely
terminally bored
deeply in debt
drink too much
use too many drugs
grew up or are living in chaotic families and do not know what "normal" looks like
very angry
unemployed
socially marginalized and excluded

and so on and so forth. Various combinations of these conditions can look like vague mental illness or "depression". Medication isn't going to help much. Xanax may calm you down; Prozac may or may not make you feel better. In general, one won't feel better until one does something about the problems in ones life that are unsatisfactory.

These people aren't sick -- they are more likely just screwed, or are very unlucky and unfortunate.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 23:07 #205860
Returning to the OP. Why is depression so deeply intertwined with pessimism? What's the deal with the causal relationship between the two?
BC August 14, 2018 at 23:08 #205861
The DSM needs a category of people who are the recipients of very unfortunate events. Let's call this category "Shafted by Bad Luck (SBL Syndrome). Billions of people are shafted and screwed every year, and many of them never quite get back to normal.

Let's say that one loved literature, was encouraged to major in English and later got an MFA in poetry writing, but then finds that one can't make anywhere close to enough money to pay one's college loans back (and one can't declare bankruptcy to get rid of them). Our well-read poet is now working as a bartender and a waiter. He feels totally screwed. And guess what -- he is. He is suffering from SBL Syndrome. He should have majored in molecular biology or gone to trade school.

Here's another case: A couple didn't do a great job raising their children. It's hard to tell what went wrong, but they're not terribly responsible and seem to need continuing parental help, even though the children are now in their mid-30s. The parents, meantime, are getting old and feel they should retire. But they can't because they helped their children too much. They are tired, hopeless, peeved, and dissatisfied -- as well they should be. They too are victims of SBL Syndrome. Maybe they shafted themselves through the best of intentions, but they are broke now, and too old to do anything about it.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 23:09 #205862
Heiko August 14, 2018 at 23:12 #205863
Reply to Posty McPostface If it itches, you scratch. If you should not scratch there is a problem: You want to anyways.
Katharsis is said to help dealing with emotional conflicts and surely the urge to just bemoan one's fate is understandable in our culture. Nietzsche (more or less) pointed out that thanks to cultural achievements you can virtually always feel sad and thereby suffering itself managed to become some kind of positive value: If you suffer you must be good man. Especially if there is no real reason to. It indicates high culture - just take a look at gothics. The fineness of the princess is indicated by her being affected by the pea under several mattresses.
BC August 14, 2018 at 23:16 #205864
Reply to Posty McPostface Maybe the brain is just not producing enough good-time neurotransmitters and is instead producing too many "we're all fucked" neurotransmitters. The more technical terms are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Either way, we can't really measure the neurotransmitter levels in the structures of the brain where they operate.

All I know is that when I stopped feeling depressed a few years ago, I changed from reflexive pessimism ("that will never work") to a much more hopeful and positive outlook ("Hey, give it a try.") My opinions haven't changed -- I still think capitalism totally sucks, I think global warming will probably kill us off, but in the meantime, I feel great.
BC August 14, 2018 at 23:18 #205865
Reply to Posty McPostface Laugh -- but it wasn't a joke -- those two cases were actual people who were actually shafted, totally screwed, and might as well throw in the sponge.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 23:36 #205868
Reply to Heiko

As far as I'm aware, depression is reflexively not an itch. We shirk away from a problem we face due to depression and tend to bury the issue under a pile of rationalizations.
Shawn August 14, 2018 at 23:39 #205870
Reply to Bitter Crank

I wonder how much of our world views are shaped by emotions. There is a term for this. It's called emotional reasoning; but, seems to fade away when the level of abstraction increases in some dispute.

It's strange to think that your perception can change while your world views remain the same. Meaning, you can still believe we're all screwed by climate change, and still have an optimistic outlook on some other issues? An overly compartmentalized mind?
Blue Lux August 15, 2018 at 00:35 #205875
Reply to Bitter Crank Lol!!! Agreed. SBL needs to be diagnosed more frequently.
Blue Lux August 15, 2018 at 00:49 #205876
Reply to Bitter Crank @Posty McPostface @Heiko

I was in a relationship with a person whom I loved very deeply. It was the first time I really knew I loved someone in that kind of way. I screwed up do to my impulsive behavior and I lost their trust. I could not forgive myself. And though I did everything I could possibly do to try and get that trust back and prove to them that I did love them and would probably never feel that way about anyone ever again... It didn't work. They abandoned me at the lowest point of my life, having had no family and becoming homeless, while also being addicted to drugs.
Since I was 12 I was depressed due to too much thinking about my life, and realizing the troubles of the world, and realizing my impotence. I suffer from PTSD as well, due to childhood abuse.
I thought the world could get no worse and I attempted suicide. I woke up a few days later on the verge of death. I am not sure how I survived... I took 180mg of oxycodone, 15mg of Xanax and about 30 other pills that were prescribed to me. And I did a few shots and chugged a beer on top of all that.
After I woke up I was still depressed. But I realized through this depression and through all of this how strong I really was, being able to take care of myself ALONE after I should have been dead.
I realized that these emotions that had been affecting me... I never accepted them. I never accepted their reality. I always could not come to grips with their actuality.
In integrating these emotions into myself, I empowered myself and I become autonomous and independent. I realized that I could conquer my own world, and I didn't have to be chained and unfree like a prisoner to my experiences. I realized that my experiences were me. I realized that my emotions were me. I no longer held onto this ideal me that I knew now to be an illusion.
I remember staring at myself in the mirror. I remember hearing music like I had never heard music ever before. So much then came to me and overwhelmed me. Tears of joy and happiness came to me realizing that I could be and that I didn't need anything but me in this life. I could become to be and be okay with that realizing that I am the final cause of my life.
I grew.
I stumbled a few more times but ever since then I have realized to always accept my desires, regardless of how contradictory and strange they are, or how irrational they are. We are at base irrational. We are emotional... No... We are arational!
I lost everything and I woke up to realizing that I had everything that I would ever need. And now I am a completely different person. I have all of my past within me, but it does not define me. Nothing defines me. I am indefinable. I am all of my possibilities. I am radically free. This is what diverted my life from depression.
BC August 15, 2018 at 00:58 #205877
Reply to Posty McPostface 2 + 2 = 4 whether I like it or not. It isn't that I am indifferent to, or upbeat about global warming. I'm not. There are a lot of doom and gloom scenarios that I think are going to come true. I find them ranging from bad to awful to horrifying. So, how can I "feel" upbeat at the same time. Well, the same way everybody else can: The boat is slowly sinking, but in the meantime service is excellent.

I also feel like I've lived my life. I'll accept more good years, for sure, but I know that my death is not all that far away -- a lot of these things will happen after I'm dust. Were I 30 years old, everything being equal, this all would be a lot harder to maintain. There were times during the the 1980s AIDS crisis that I thought I was probably doomed to die in just a few years -- wouldn't make it to 50, maybe. Lots of guys I knew were dying. I am still surprised I didn't get AIDS.

Maybe I am sometimes confusing "relinquishment" with "optimism". I can let go of some concerns, because they are history (like bad jobs), or they are beyond my influence (like CO2 emissions). Yes, I recycle, compost, and add as little garbage to the pile as I can, like any responsible person does. But I know the major reductions have to be decided by people way above me. I've let go of that problem. I've let go of the problems of the Church, too. Capitalism? Not going away tomorrow. Socialism? Dream on. Etc.

Blue Lux August 15, 2018 at 01:06 #205879
Reply to Bitter Crank Ever thought of writing a book?

I wrote one about 80,000 words. I lost about half of it back in the blast but I am planning on making it way better. You should write one.
BC August 15, 2018 at 01:08 #205880
Reply to Blue Lux You have suffered a lot -- particularly child abuse, PTSD, depression, attempted suicide, and losing the love of your life. I can only guess what all that was like.

But... Congratulations! You found a way back to the surface; you found a new life; you experienced a metanoia, butterfly emerging from its chrysalis. All that takes courage, to accept what is and integrate it into a positive new whole.

All to the good!
BC August 15, 2018 at 01:12 #205881
Reply to Blue Lux Yes, I should, could, would write a book; I'm trying, but... A draft of my life's story (which was part of the book) is perhaps buried on the hard drive of a 40 year old Mac plus in the basement. There it may stay forever... Of course, It's my story, so I can always tell it again, but that first round was unusually thorough and frank.

I've done lots of research on national gay history, interviewed a batch of people, and have been interviewed myself for some other people's books on local gay history. The trouble is, a lot of my curiosity was sated in the process of doing the research. But yes, I should write the damn book.
Blue Lux August 15, 2018 at 01:18 #205882
Reply to Bitter Crank I am also gay.

Since then I have found someone I love more and whom loves me much more. So I didn't lose the love of my life, but at the time I thought I did!
Shawn August 15, 2018 at 03:38 #205898
Reply to Blue Lux

Glad you are OK, and able to share the story. I've heard that it's the cowards way out; but, it definitely takes some balls to commit suicide.
Blue Lux August 15, 2018 at 04:46 #205905
Reply to Posty McPostface When you get to that point you simply don't care about anything. What is crazy is it was like rebirth, because I came to grips with my death and I became okay with it and I faced it. When I woke up I couldn't even walk. I thought I had brain damage. And my body was wet with sweat, as if I jumped into a swimming pool.
unenlightened August 15, 2018 at 08:50 #205949
Quoting Blue Lux
After I woke up I was still depressed. But I realized through this depression and through all of this how strong I really was, being able to take care of myself ALONE after I should have been dead.
I realized that these emotions that had been affecting me... I never accepted them. I never accepted their reality. I always could not come to grips with their actuality.


It is well known that a lot of unpleasant physical symptoms - inflammation, muscle spasm, fever, and so on, are the result of the body's healing processes and defences. So it is quite reasonable to suppose that mental symptoms are similarly the attempt of the mind to heal itself. The question I tend to ask of a depressed person, at some stage is "what are you depressing?" And it is exactly those unacceptable, unbearable feelings that depression protects one from, at the cost, unfortunately, of protecting one from any positive feelings as well. I think of depression as a mind-spasm protecting a mental trauma.

Thanks for telling your story so eloquently.