Have I experienced ego-death?
Hello
Since this year I've been reading books about psychology an spirituality. I learned about ego-death. +/- 5 years ago I had a unique experience which I never understood.
Saddly I don't remember what triggerd this, but on a sudden day I had this very intense feeling. I can't describe it but it was very, very intense. I felt obligated to share and care about everyone but myself. I even went to a store to buy candy and share it with everyone. From the moment I ate only one piece of candy I told myself: "Why did you do that? You should have given this piece to someone else to make him/her happy. Why did you do that? Are you happy now?" I litteraly felt guilty about everything I did for myself.
The next day I saw my mom working in the garden, and I felt an intense desire to go help her.
The third day I went to my mom and cried. I told her about this intense feeling, I felt like I was a different person. She didn't understand me. I didn't understand myself either... I felt like I turned into someone else.
The next day this feeling tempered. I realised this feeling was 'right', so I tried to continue acting like I would during the previous days. It didn't feel the same anymore. Only then I realised how good this selfless feeling was. I experienced this unique feeling for 3 days if I remember correctly.
Do note that my description of this situation are only a few examples that I can remember. I cannot describe the feeling and thoughts I had back then, it was a very intense and unique experience.
When reading about ego-death, I remembered this feeling and it kind of described what happened back then.
Is this feeling I describe a brief ego-death? Is it even possible to randomly experience a brief period of ego-death without drugs?
Since this year I've been reading books about psychology an spirituality. I learned about ego-death. +/- 5 years ago I had a unique experience which I never understood.
Saddly I don't remember what triggerd this, but on a sudden day I had this very intense feeling. I can't describe it but it was very, very intense. I felt obligated to share and care about everyone but myself. I even went to a store to buy candy and share it with everyone. From the moment I ate only one piece of candy I told myself: "Why did you do that? You should have given this piece to someone else to make him/her happy. Why did you do that? Are you happy now?" I litteraly felt guilty about everything I did for myself.
The next day I saw my mom working in the garden, and I felt an intense desire to go help her.
The third day I went to my mom and cried. I told her about this intense feeling, I felt like I was a different person. She didn't understand me. I didn't understand myself either... I felt like I turned into someone else.
The next day this feeling tempered. I realised this feeling was 'right', so I tried to continue acting like I would during the previous days. It didn't feel the same anymore. Only then I realised how good this selfless feeling was. I experienced this unique feeling for 3 days if I remember correctly.
Do note that my description of this situation are only a few examples that I can remember. I cannot describe the feeling and thoughts I had back then, it was a very intense and unique experience.
When reading about ego-death, I remembered this feeling and it kind of described what happened back then.
Is this feeling I describe a brief ego-death? Is it even possible to randomly experience a brief period of ego-death without drugs?
Comments (31)
whatever it is, this is a good thing and u do not have to wrry about, just flow in it if it makes u happy.
I'll try my best. Ego dissolution involves the complete loss of ability to identify oneself introspectively. There’s a sense of disorientation and ‘groundlessness’ as you iteratively realize none of the mental objects, ‘thought stream’, ‘sensation of your buttock’ ‘sensation of your back leaning against a chair’ are actually, really ‘you’ and that there is no underlying stable, singular feeling you can concretely identify as yourself, just an expansive void.
That's the Jungian understanding of the phrase. I believe Regi is talking about the Buddhist sense of it.
But, yes, in both senses you wouldn't have felt guilty about eating a piece of candy, and you wouldn't have talked to yourself, since you would no longer recognize yourself as one whole being separate from others. In the Buddhist sense you become "one" with the universe.
I'm not a Buddhist, but I know that Siddhartha went through something somewhat similar to what you describe before reaching ego-death in the mythology. He went through an intense phase of self-abnegation almost to the point of suicide. However, since the self it part of the universe, to inflict suffering on the self is to inflict suffering on the universe.
Hello Regi, thanks for your post. Interesting question, perhaps as a general question it is one of the perennial philosophical and spiritual mysteries.
I’m not a fan of naming it ego “death”, though I understand why many do so. Death is such an absolute word, so black or white. How about “ego-transcendence”? A knowledge that the ego does not equal the self, let alone anything beyond it. Maybe the ego has a valuable function in the human experience, even if it seems to be often imbalanced or over-emphasized. If one asked a dieting person how much they wanted to lose, none would say “all of it!!” Not unless they were joking, or perhaps depressed and suicidal. The same roughly applies to the ego, in my experience.
Perhaps you have read some authors who deal with Transpersonal Psychology. Basically and generally, they attempt to use science and reason to shed light on ancient spiritual practices and traditions. The Transpersonalists mostly act on the premise that there is something vital worth exploring in these practices, even if one is not a religious or even a particularly spiritual person. The prevalence and popularity of yoga is an example of this, though the tradition includes much more than hatha yoga with its asanas and exercises. The writings and lectures of Joseph Campbell may also be helpful here. As mentioned above, Buddhism almost specializes in this area, as does other traditions like Taoism.
There have been several threads on this forum, more or less dealing with this topic:
https://thephilosophyforum.com/discussion/1568/discarding-the-ego-as-a-way-to-happiness/p1
https://thephilosophyforum.com/discussion/190/is-my-happiness-more-important-than-your-happiness-egoism/p1
https://thephilosophyforum.com/discussion/842/the-nature-of-the-self-and-the-boundaries-of-the-individual/p1
Thanks again, and good luck. :up:
I don't think a Buddhist would consider handing out free candy a charitable or selfless act. The body processes it as a toxin.
5 years ago... how has the event affected your thinking, feeling, and behavior since it happened? Do you consider the event spiritually important? If so, what guidance does it provide you?
Welcome to the Philosophy Forum!
I don't think the name of the experience matters, and no one is in the business of issuing certificates of authenticity. What happened was clearly possible, and it is unsurprising that you want more. But it is wanting more that ends it, so the way back is blocked. Now you have to take the long road of discipline, meditation, hard work and sacrifice. Good luck to you.
Buddhists like candy just fine
Here's a video of the dalai lama giving candy to a kid:
https://youtu.be/7YX7npkQSlA
There are definitely key, identifiable features of that experience that are missing in his description. Not at all to diminish or delegitimize the impact, but clearly it isn't the same
I should have said, "aporia is in the business of issuing certificates, but I wouldn't bother to apply."
I'm going to investigate what I was doing during the period of this experience, what my thoughts were. I will google about this (not searching for ego-death).
I've always asked myself alot of questions, I never stop wondering how my mind works and how to persue happiness. It's my life goal to search for happiness, and during this experience I felt like I found what I was looking for. The more I think about this experience, the more I can remember. I also remembered feeling like I had a purpose, and feeling that I understood what matters.
I will keep you updated, perhaps I can manage to find out what triggered this.
Thanks again for your effort to give me your best view on this experience, I feel very welcome to this forum !
It is definitely possible to experience without drugs, but drugs do help especially hallucinogens like mushrooms.
Unpopular opinion: I think Ego death is a hoax and very dangerous spirituality designed for the person to loose their mind and become mentally unstable. There’s nothing wrong with having a sense of identity, and still be a selfless,kind person. When You’re stuck in limbo with confusion and anxiety during the ego death....that’s quite the opposite of peace and comfort. Sense of identity is your soul/spirit/energy. Not the ego! Your soul is constantly learning and changing for the better through life lessons. Why are you decimating yourself? You need to look deep inside your subconscious... if you feel something is very wrong and making you anxious then you are right....compare this to life situations...for example when you get a weird feeling about someone creepy and it turns out to be right, or when u feel your partner is cheating or whatever, you can tell with your subconscious something is very wrong and it appears as anxiety.... There is a reason why you are feeling anxious when you are experiencing “ego death” Bc it’s not right. Go with your gut. This is coming from a person who has experimented with drugs. You are also opening some spiritual doors that you should not mess with. There is some very real dark energy in the spiritual world waiting to possess you if you’re not careful. Some of you will probably not agree to this post but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just trying to help! Good luck on your journey.
Seems like a good description, thanks for adding it. :up:
This is about to get really real:
2016 was a really intense year for me. Towards the end of 2015 I took it upon myself to give the trust enough in myself to start smoking pot and drinking again after 5 years of sobriety. (During that 5 years I was around parties allllll the time; I even organized them and got all of the people together to make them as big and beautiful as I could.) Everyone knew I was sober, but it didn't effect my relationships with my friends because they all knew that I try my hardest to be a loving and genuine person to everyone I meet.
But I started back...
The weed and the booze aren't what threw me for a loop, though. I am the type of person who can take one puff or drink one beer and then walk away and continue about my life like they are no big deal.
No... it wasn't addiction.
It was Hallucinogens.
I took some acid.
It gave me feelings like I had never before experienced. Physically, mentally, and emotionally something changed inside me and I became extremely curious as to what it was about these chemicals that opened up a whole new perspective of life in my mind.
So I indulged. Regularly.
Too regularly. My curiosity led to a habit of accepting almost any drug that crossed my path. (I even took meth once - NEVER again will I do that; it was absolutely horrendous.)
I never went out of my way to find these chemicals, but I did intentionally put myself in positions and situations where I knew that they would surface for my indulgence.
After a while... I felt enlightened from them. "Woke" as the kids say now a days...
But my "wokeness" went too far. It gave me a sense of superiority over others in a way. In my mind I could do no wrong because everything I chose to do was considered yet another part in my path towards... Well towards making the world a better place.
I became a saint in my own eyes.
It became my destiny to travel the world spreading love and peace to anyone who was willing to have it. At one point I was even considering spending my very last $1500 on a plane ticket to Israel. I was going to go and see whoever was in charge and I was going to end the Jerusalem conflict with my love. (Trust me I know it's silly lol)
Instead I left my family in Denver and I went off to Oregon with nothing. I offended the people I took shelter under with my self righteous delusions of grandeur. (much like I offended many with the same ideals before I even left home; many people have forgiven me, some haven't, and some I will likely ask forgivness of until I die because I have a hard time forgiving myself.)
Anyway - they kicked me out and I became homeless in Eugene Oregon with a heart full of love and a mind full of confusion. It was here that I found a feeling of desire and love for art. Homelessness is very boring at times and art kept me thrilled to be alive. Soon after, I realized that my greatest creation was at home without my guidance and without my affection, so I gave up my desire to change the world and traded it for a bus ticket home to be a presence for the greatest achievement that I will ever leave on Earth - my son.
This experience, and these chemicals changed my life. They took away the pressure of being the perfect human and they gave me the understanding that purpose is within - not without.
If you are experiencing a "third eye opening experience" from hallucinogens I want to say this: it is not your job to heal the world. Don't put that pressure on yourself. It is your job to find the peace in your own heart enough to accept your life as it happens. It's okay to feel "woke" but trust me - you do not want to be "the wokest" because there is a very fine line on the matter of morality and we just aren't capable of having all of the answers all of the time - no matter how genuine we feel in our hearts.
Fortunately I have had the year of 2017 to recover from this life changing experience. I no longer feel the curiosity that was brought about by the chemicals that I no longer take, and I don't feel the desire to dig deeper into this altered state of mind. I feel like I learned what I needed to learn, and thank God I don't need to learn it again.
I love you. I love life. I love my family and my son. We will put our minds to bringing prosperity to our home and we will win.
Or it is our job to heal the world, and we have to do it with a sober, sound mind.
I could have told you your train was going to derail from the get go, and I'm guessing a bunch of others told you that over and over and over and now you're here, letting us know they were right.
Do you have a job and are you up to date on your child support?
And psychedelics did teach me important values as you mentioned that I likely could have attained without needing to go through the delusions that came with them for me.
In other words I don't see them as harmful drugs for the average human mind, but rather as tools to observe oneness amongst planet Earth... Which in my opinion is valuable therapy that should be offered under structured therapeutic sessions rather than given out left and right at parties.
Because for some minds.. Like mine... They also cause psychotic episodes. Lol