Philosophy Joke of the Day
Lesser known logical fallacies:
- Michael Scott fallacy – Using the phrase “That’s what she said.”
- Family dog fallacy – Telling your opponent that your dog ate your argument.
- In mater tua fallacy – Insulting your opponent’s mother
- Appeal to personal authority fallacy – Using the phrase “Because I said so.”
- Command fallacy – Defending your argument using the phrase “Shut up!”
- Timeline/MikeL fallacy – Using the phrase “Well, that’s how we do it in Australia.”
- Conturbabimus illa ratio fallacy – Expressing your numerical arguments in base 7.
Comments (393)
Why is that a logical fallacy? We don't consider it a logical fallacy in Australia.
Just to clarify - You don't think using the phrase "Well, that's how we do it in Australia" is a logical fallacy because that's how you do it in Australia. Is that correct?
Perhaps a new logical fallacy - appeal to irony.
Since we're being ironic, how about "because I said so."
I am amused and deeply moved.
Wait, what?
Golden. :D
You should be proud. Now you have a logical fallacy named after you.
I said it was a logical fallacy, not that it might not be effective and feel good.
Nothing happens.
This is not a joke.
I'll go with one.
My favourite lightbulb joke:
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
[hide]One, and it's not funny.[/hide]
I will not comment on that.
My favorite lightbulb joke is political and is specific to the US:
Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 60
Nice pun, but explaining jokes is the Jay Leno fallacy.
One to hold the ladder. One to screw it in. One to... okay I got noth'n
The wife asks the husband, 'Can he be reasoned with?'
The robber is a philosopher.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, so long as its T Clark.
The University of Delaware Institute for Finding Out Things did a study. On average, it takes 1.09 Americans to screw in a light bulb.
A: One, provided that light bulb is the Second Amendment and you threaten to take it away from them.
I don't know, but how how many screwing Americans can a lightbulb take?
Don't be silly modern feminists can't change anything.
How many real men does it to change a lightbulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
"The best way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a bread knife" - Jo Brand
One dumb blond was calling out to the dumb blond on opposite shore.
"How do I get to the other side?"
"You already are."
I started to google "feminist..." and it filled in "lightbulb jokes". True story.
An Eastern European, outback shepherd who’d only seen local animals his entire life—with no connection to the world outside his village, such as via books or TV—finally made it out into the country’s big city. There he visited the city zoo. At the zoo he came face to face with a very tall-necked giraffe. While staring at it in disbelief, he contemplated deep and hard. At last, the intrepid shepherd confidently concluded with a wave of the hand: “No animal such as this can even exist!”
(A Romanian joke that may not translate as well as it could. I like it though.)
A more English based one also about observations and reasoning:
Two Californian dumb blonds stare up at the moon. One asks, “What do you think is closer: the moon or New York?” The other replies: “You stupid? The moon, of course! Look, you can’t see New York from where we’re at.”
Question, how do you keep a bunch of idiots quiet?
An idealist, a linguist, a pragmatist, and Frank are sitting in a bar talking about philosophical stuff. Frank asks, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound.” The idealist answers “The ideal sound exists and has always existed.” The linguist says “Define ‘sound.’ Define ‘tree.’ Define ‘forest.’” The pragmatist gets up and starts to walk out. Frank says, “Hey, why are you leaving?” The pragmatist says “I’m going to check.”
The philatelist phallacy -- buying arguments with food stamps
The Phalling of walls phallacy -- Jericho, here I come!
The philandering philosopher's fallacy -- in vino, veritas; in, Vito, very fast!
The fallible fallacy -- I fell down and I can't get up.
The Papal infallibility principle fallacy -- I got up and I can't fall down!
The fall fallacy -- no rain fall fell, yet filled cups full.
Both of his wings resemble each other, esp. the left one.
Any number. They just have to argue about it until finally the light goes up.
That's what she said.
That joke is a bit philosophier than I aspire to.
Quoting javra
There, that's more like it.
"Would you like fries with that?"
"To do is to be." Socrates.
"To be is to do." Jean-Paul Sartre.
"Dobedobedo." Frank Sinatra.
Two young Briton nobles are sitting in an outdoor cafe, in Firenze somewhere. One of them says, "You see those two bombas?" "Yes," says the other one. "Well," says the first one, "one of them is my wife, and the other, is my lover." The other one puts on a surprised face: "Eyh... for me, too."
Takes 60 votes to break a fillibuster.
Q: How many chickens does it take to stop a light bulb crossing the road?
A: Quine.
Mosesquine? From what I've seen he has been terrorizing the blog of @darthbarracuda for some time >:O
I just saw that. Lol :D Anyway, this joke is far deeper. Dig a little. You'll get there.
When it comes to humor, I’m in the dark.
Quoting Bitter Crank
… need I say more? 8-)
Btw, nice one BC.
I was going to use that, but I'm guessing that Socrates and Sartre are being misquoted.
I'm not allowed to explain my own jokes, but you are. I appreciate it.
I'm not sure who you are referring to? The guy who insists on making a logical syllogism proving I am the most disgusting hot dog on the sidewalk in South Africa or something?
Yep. That's mosesquine. He's Korean.
https://thephilosophyforum.com/profile/439/mosesquine
A joke by Stephen Hawking.
Obviously, "what is dead may never die."
'Consciousness is an illusion.'
A joke (with props) by Daniel Dennett.
Ah, perish the thought!!
Anything goes in love, war, philosophy and humour.
I call this “the sagaciousness fallacy”.
(an attempted emulation of British dry humor)
All jokes are welcome.
(Y) The Monty Python bunch are imo among the best comedians out there. I almost laugh only at the memory of A Fish Called Wanda: “The central message of Buddhism is not ‘Every man for himself!’” said the Brit to the Yankee—this, I presume, in reference to the notion of freedom. Brazil, Life of Brian … good stuff.
I was saving this for later, but since you mention it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2gJamguN04
Immanuel Kant and Aristotle are sitting in a bar. Aristotle says, “Hey Immanuel, would you like another beer?” Kant says, “No thanks. I think I’ve had enough. After all, you’ve been dead for more than 2,000 years.”
You've made it a philosophy joke by just labeling one of the characters as "philosophical." I endorse that approach. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. I've used that ploy from time to time in my jokes, as you'll see.
He laughs and says : 'To show the fly the way out of its fly bottle.'
Someone asks Spider about the aim of his philosophy.
He eyes a fly and gesticulates : 'To weave webs.'
Someone asks Bottle about the aim of its philosophy.
It buzzes with the sound of a fly: "Buzzzz buzzz"
There is no subjectness where subjectivity appears. Subjectness is trapped in the eternal recursion of its own appearances as temporal escapes of relief and delight.
Whereof one cannot understand, one should shut up and serve coffee to those who can understand.
Whereof one can understand, one doesn't deserve to to have any coffee. Though you cannot derive ought(s) from is(s) concerning who should get any coffee.
Well.....of course......I was about to say that myself, but I think you said it much better than I would have.
[s]Werner Heisenberg was walking down the street when a car pulls over and the driver rolls down his window. The driver says “Excuse me sir, I seem to be lost. Also, do you know what the speed limit is here in town” Heisenberg says “I can tell you where you are, but not what your velocity should be.”[/s]
Werner Heisenberg is pulled over, cop comes up and says, "Sir, do you realize you were going 65 mph and the speed limit here is 45?"
Heisensberg says, "Oh thanks a lot. Now I'm lost!"
Revised based on a comment by Srap Tasmaner
Botlzmann's Dog probably killed Schrodinger's Cat but no one could be absolutely sure even after they opened the box which Billy had mischievously stuffed them into.
So far, your jokes have left me scratching my head. Which is fine. Keep them coming.
:D
Camus: to do is to be
Sinatra: do be do be do
Post hoc ergo propter hoc. Itching of the head is a common symptom of a venereal disease. Is there any swelling or discharge? One too many times with Sophia, eh?
They are pretty bad, I agree.
My head itches when I eat spicy food. It even itches when I smell, see, or think about spicy food. It itches when I eat mild salsa.
Quoting Nils Loc
Don't ruin my illusion. I was imagining they are deeply meaningful comments on the absurdity of existence.
You are continually trapped in a repurposing of my references Sir. I meant venereal diseases by "they" and "they" are not illusions, unless your ontological schema treats of phenomenal reality as an illusion.
A strange proposition to be sure: venereal diseases are actually meaningful comments on the absurdity of existence.
I always worry about that joke - I bet Sartre never said "to be is to do." Actually, sometimes it is attributed to Sartre and sometimes to Camus. It feels very unphilosophical.
yeah, I know what you mean. Maybe it should go like this:
Camus: to be is to do.
Sartre: to do is to be
Sinatra: do be do be do
Made me laugh. Not that that's exactly a stellar achievement or anything.
"hey! Are there many of you in there?"
"Hey! Are there many of you in there?"
The man shouts back:
"No! I am one of a kind."
I heard mine about 40 years ago. Your version must be much younger?
Lesser known philosophical sayings:
• Gunga Galunga
• The D’oh that can be spoken is not the eternal D’oh
• Hemlock! Shit! I thought he said eggnog!
• Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to do your laundry.
• I know you are, but what am I.
Can you name the philosopher?
Nils Loc tells jazz jokes - he improvises on the themes of others. Whether or not it makes any sense. Or maybe they're zen jokes. What is the smell of one butt farting.
Baden - please delete this post.
nice talent.
Who's there?
Dobedobedo.
Ah, Frank. Come in and make yourself at home.
- how much is in there?
- in the neighborhood of $100.000.
- it's a nice neighborhood.
I'll keep my eyes open and my lips ready.
edit: my ears too.
He stole that from me, and he would've gotten away with if it wasn't for you meddling kids. Dobedobedo!
who u callin' kids, girl? Dobe to you too!
If something doesn't make sense then how can we sense it?
Communism.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wesense
Wesense who?
Wesense nonsense
Anyone is welcome to contribute jokes, but only T Clark can contribute the "Joke of the Day." I guess I'll have to start writing it "Joke of the Day®"
Posty McCarthy?
More like, Posty McEconomist. But, if we can invent a near infallible central manager, such as some superintelligent AI, then sure, maybe then communism would work.
Yes, but only if he's a tree.
Knock knock!
[hide][/hide]
[quote=praxis]Knock knock![/quote]
Who's there?
Who's there?
Hach.
Hach who?
Bless you.
Oh God
Oh God who?
Oh God, I crack myself up.
What is philosophy?
What is an oxymoron?
Just remember I didn't do anything wrong. I'm totally innocent. You all participated against the wills of the better angles of your nature. T Clark should be banned not me.
Do you mean that I've ruined the thread because my jokes are actually funny?
Hey! Calm down, I'm joking.
Your jokes were great. I only wish mine were as good as yours.
That's what she said.
>:O :s >:)
Who's there?
No
No who?
No not no who know how
Archimedes is sitting in his bath. He farts, watches the bubbles, and yells “Eureka!, I have found it! Then he runs through the streets of Athens naked yelling “PV = NRT, PV = NRT.”
What do you call an ensho painted by a sentimental latin woman?
[hide]A sappy ensha[/hide]
I'm starting to think that Nils Loc is just a computer that generates its responses by randomly rejiggering the posts of others. Nils - that doesn't mean you're not welcome here. I don't think the forum guidelines require that you be human or even sentient. As we say here on the forum "Klatu Barada Nikto."
That ensho a stupid joke.
You say potato, I say potato.
This discussion has a lot of potensho.
That's the end of this particular cycle for me.
Why?
It’s Latin for wisdom. That’s not funny?
Oh yes, that's funny.
In more ways than one. X-)
A mathematician and a priest are having lunch. The mathematician asks “Can God count to infinity?” The priest says “I’m not sure, I’ll check,” and kneels to pray. After a minute he gets up. The mathematician says “Well?” The priest says “He says I made him lose count.”
The demon Cantor and a polytheistic shaman, Quag, are having dinner. Cantor asks "Can every number count towards infinity?" The shaman says "No, but if they all set themselves up in a row, they could collaboratively count in any direction."
There were three numbers in a row. One of them's kidding. He is now on skid row.
(Traditional:) Why did six cry? Seven, eight, nine.
How many numbers in a row does it take to screw in a light bulb? I dunno, but they had better start turning it clockwise, otherwise the entire exercise is doomed to failure.
Two blonde threes walk into a foursome. "Hey, handsome," said one of the lissome threesome, "hand me some?" "Ah!" replied the rowsome bluesome. "I am a beausome lumberjack, I like some bosome... erm, miss some. Some misses I get though. I like a direct miss, who don't mess much or muss my hair." "Don't get your panties in a bunch," replied the moosome kisssome. "Some like it hot."
I don't give a damn, I am going to use a four-letter word. This ^ is fucking pathetic.
The Demonic Cantor and Kant or Socrates are counting towards infinity. Cantor takes the odd numbers, Kant or Socrates, the even numbers. In walks Schopenhauer. He is the illegitimate son of Mrs. Chopin and Adenauer, West German Archchancellor. That's how he wound up with this f up name. "What are you guys doing?" "We are counting toward infinity, to see who gets there first." "Do you count fractions, as well?" The demonic Cantor and Kant or Socrates look at each other, and say in unison, "we ought to slug you now very hard."
I accused Nils Loc of being a computer. I think I'll accuse you of being monkey's with typewriters.
Quoting T Clark, "what was the year before creation? "Year -1. Or 1 BC," Says the priest. "And the year before that?" asks the math guy. "2 BC," says the priest. "What was the very first year before creation?" "Year Infinity BC, I suppose," says the priest. "So what number was the next year?" "Erm... infinity minus one BC, I surmise." "Okay... so what year did the switch happen, the switch from the year Infinity - N (here N is a positive integer) to a nominative integer, say, 2432 BC?" The priest thinks for a while and says, "Now I'm going to slug you. Very hard."
To think this joke has never happened has been a Swiss Wish. Next I'll tell you a Sask. watch.
This is only a suggestion - but you guys could try telling actual jokes. That's kind of the idea behind this discussion.
I am actually several typewriters, who hit the fingers of so many monkeys. The monkeys say these "jokes" involuntarily, therefore, with a lot of hissing and quite cursing sounds in pain. Their verbal cries the same microphone records, that has been used to settle the argument, "if a tree falls in a forest" etc.
WYSIWYG.
Sir, you are being too Rich.
Do you think that they actually know any?
They don't have to tell jokes that are funny, I'm only asking that they try.
Perhaps you have a comedy tutor that you could refer them to.
Although, if your comedy is anything like your grammar...
Should I try poetry then?
There was once an old fart from Maryland
Who considered himself so grand
He spent his days irritating people on a forum
Which he did with little decorum
And with many a comment oh so bland
Sure. How bad can it be?
Quoting Sir2u
Oh...
Have you tried knitting?
Been there, done that. Lots of fun but were I live we don't need pullovers.
Any further suggestions?
Where members would troll things fantastical
It happened one day
In a gruesome display
That Sir2u was marked ungrammatical[/i]
:-x
:-x
HaHaHa, at last you said something funny. You have decided to keep quiet. Good decision.
"comply with the wishes of (someone) in order to keep them content, however unreasonable such wishes might be."
Philosophical Humor (collected by David Chalmers)
Thanks. None of the jokes are as good as mine (although most are better than yours), but what they lack in quality, they make up in quantity.
Now sir, that was funny. X-)
Maybe instead of jokes we could have a limericks thread.
There’s a story that Napoleon, a man who Nietzsche claimed was an Übermensch, was briefly captured during the French Revolutionary Wars. Before escaping, he was put on the rack and tortured by the enemy for military secrets. He was strong though, it's reported that all he would say is, “that which doesn’t kill me makes me longer.”
Cool, they mention one of my favorite books Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar.
We just leave them hanging around for a while and they never bother us again.
I think that's a good idea, given that this is a jokes thread.
Don't limericks that make people laugh count as jokes?
Please.
One or two would be fine, but I really don't intend that this be a limericks thread. Also, the ones that have been posted so far aren't funny or even really trying to be funny. They're just insulting or random noise.
OK. (Y)
Sorry. I tried with the Napoleon joke.
OK so now it is auto-evaluation time.
On a scale from 1 to 1.1, how did you score on that joke? X-)
It’s funny. Your sense of humor: .01
Don't be sorry, your joke is exactly what I was hoping for, it was a joke and it was on the border between amusing and funny. I appreciated it.
That was your first funny one. (Y)
I know you are, but what am I?
Not bad at all but the rhythm is off. Maybe:
"There once was a forum phil'sophical
Where member would troll things fantastical
It happened one day
In a gruesome display
That Sir'u was marked ungrammat'cal"
My comment actually was meant as a joke.
So was my response. I don't know if you read it, but I identified that phrase earlier in this thread as a lesser known logical fallacy.
Ah OK, missed that.
Sorry, wrong joke, it was this one:
Lesser Known Philosophical Sayings
• Gunga Galunga
• The D’oh that can be spoken is not the eternal D’oh
• Hemlock! Shit! I thought he said eggnog!
• Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to do your laundry.
• I know you are, but what am I.
Can you name the philosopher?
"Pride is pleasure arising from a man's thinking too highly of his own terrible jokes."
"Sin cannot be conceived in a natural state, but only in a civil state, where it is decreed by common consent what is good or bad humor.
Almost Baruch Spinoza (tweaked parts in italics), famous Jewish joke critic and stone polisher.
NL, you are a humerous person.
Who might disapprove of this lark.
It's an awful affair,
But he has lovely hair,
So I cut off his head after dark.
Who frowned and began to bark.
He sold me away,
To a tyrant they say,
Who cut out my tongue as a lark.
Who loved to travel by train
He told us one day
Going out of his way
That a man named T Clark was a pain
Yo mama jokes:
Yo mama is so old, she sat behind Pythagoras in second grade.
Yo Buddha is so fat, his reflection weighs five pounds.
Yo mama is so stupid, she became a Buddhist because she heard that the first of the Four Noble Truths is that all life is surfing.
Yo mama is so fat, she doesn’t have a dress, she has an event horizon.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks Immanuel Kant is Superman’s secret identify.
Yo mama is so ugly, Richard Dawkins uses her picture as proof there is no God.
Dad to son, "Hey dumb ass, why you leave your ugly old granny on the curb?"
Son, "She said she wanted to see the people passing by."
Dad "So now you gotta go chase the garbage truck that hauled her ass away."
If you don't know, how the hell should we?
Son "Agh come on pa', it ain't my fault they took her"
Dad "But it was your fault they took the god damned sofa she was lying on and I want it back"
Your limericks stink, but I can appreciate a good smarty pants. You, Sapientia, and Nils Loc are to be congratulated.
Definitions:
Technically, I didn't break the rules.
Quoting T Clark
I was merely commenting on Nihilistic Locomotives contribution. Nils Loc is from Spain, and judging from his name it's reasonable to assume he's got a thing for trains. Also, according to his story you're ultimately responsible for his glossectomy, which I can only imagine is a painful procedure. So not only is my commentary law abiding, it's true. Can you prove that Nils Loc still has a tongue? I didn't think so.
You didn't read my post carefully. I said your limerick stinks, not that it broke the rules.
Ah, must have been blinded by a guilty conscience.
My version of this:
Particle physicist is pulled over, cop comes up and says, "Sir, do you realize you were going 65 mph and the speed limit here is 45?"
Physicist says, "Oh thanks a lot. Now I'm lost!"
Actually, if you changed "physicist" to "Werner Heisenberg," I would like your version better.
Actually, if you changed "physicist" to "Werner Heisenberg," I would like your version better.
I went back and changed the joke on page 4.
He doesn't own the version of his joke unless his joke is his bread and butter. As an aside, he can live without butter. It is better to live without butter. You can't believe it's not better.
Edit: It is better to leave our history unrevised. But you can't believe it's not better because there was only margarine in George Orwell's 1984. Big Brother's marketing campaign: "Margarine is Butter"
I changed the original version to his (with physicist changed to WH) and with an acknowledgement to him. It's not a question of ownership, it's giving credit where credit is due.
In the old days, when people forwarded jokes to their friends in email, a friend of mine received a joke that he himself had typed and sent to a friend like a year before. Networks are cool.
I wonder if people growing up now will understand how the last 20 years have changed our lives. The one that still gets me the most is Google Earth.
Had an empty field of maybe half an acre by a house we lived in for a while-- this is semi-rural North Georgia. One time, instead of bush-hogging the whole thing, I cut a maze for the kids so they could go through and pick blackberries.
You could see the maze on Google Earth.
Niels Bohr and Max Planck were in a bar in Denmark. Planck was really drunk. A big guy came in and knocked into him. Planck said “Watch where you’re going, you stupid asshole.” The guy looked at him, perplexed, and shook his head. Bohr said, “wait a minute, he doesn’t speak German.” Then he turned to the man and said “Han sagde ‘se, hvor du går dig dumme røvhul’." The man grabbed Planck by the throat and beat the crap out of him. When Planck woke up he asked, “What happened.” Bohr said “Oh, I just gave him the Copenhagen Interpretation.”
A man walks into a bar with a four foot 2 by 4 with a rusty nail jutting out the side. He's out of breath and sweating profusely. The smell of dog feces permeates the room. A beautiful princess sits down at the bar, naked except for the sock that covers her transexuality. A priest staggers in, completely wasted, openly weeping and putting pressure on the open wound in his leg. A horse then walks in, and the bartender says, "why the long face"?
Pretty good joke I think.
I've spent almost all my life here, just outside Athens.
Quoting Hanover
Alternate punch-lines:
Because he could not see that well.
A guy that is fshng
More lesser known philosophical sayings
And the punch line is? :-*
Funny, because I know a couple of people like that.
14 billion years later he cleans it up.
I don't remember that in Genesis.
and saw that it was good.
How can he put his head in the bucket if the bucket immediately disintegrated when he put his finger in it?
the finger
edit: should be probably melted, instead of disintegrated.
Oooooooooooooh.
You know a couple of people who are like a bucket of clear liquid?
No.
I know a couple of people that stick their heads in things without knowing anything about it.
you should have participated in the discussions concerning this subject. Here you are supposed to be funny, not a smart-ass.
Ah, I see. So you know a couple of people that stick their heads in things without knowing anything about a bucket of clear liquid.
Gotcha.
First of all, what discussion? You told a joke and people were asked to comment if they so wished, I did wish.
Quoting Hachem
I did not ask any one to comment on my comments, so when I reply to them I suppose that it is what they want. If they don't want me to reply then they should either not reply to my comments or specifically state that they do not wish replies to their replies to my comments.
So what are you specifically complaining about?
Ah, I see. you still fail to understand. I never mentioned a bucket, with or without any content whether that be clear fluid or otherwise.
Maybe we should call one of the grammar cops to examine your sentences. They seen to be saying you don't like the way I replied to something. Is that not the definition of complaining?
In what way have I judged you? If trying to explain means that I doubt you are intelligent enough to understand then maybe. But I thought that you required an answer from me.
I thought that I was joking, but I'm glad that there are people here to correct me.
If you want to play innocent be my guest.
Happy to be of service. X-)
Oh dear, should I find a lawyer?
I'm afraid all of us are busy right now. We're dealing with an urgent situation involving a bucket, some clear liquid, a head, and some exploitable ambiguity. It's a real problem.
Golly b'joggers. You fellows must be really, but really busy right now.
I will toggle along and leave you to it them.
Okay, but what should I it them with?
Quoting Sir2u
Protection, in anticipation of them itting me back.
You are really addicted to being a grammar cop are you not. And even if you say that none are available at the moment, I know just how to call one. I just ignore all of the little red lines in my posts.
You have no idea how much fun it is to see you jump at the mistakes.
Of course you only seem to do it to mine, whilst flagrantly ignoring or maybe failing to spot other posters' failure to punctuate, capitalize, spell check or even write blatant stupidity.
You butt in on my discussions and reply to things I have posted for others, this shows a total lack of the courtesy which one would expect from someone that brags about being a moderator on the forum.
I have no further wish to carry on any kind of discourse with a person that demonstrates so little respect for the members of this forum. Please refrain from all further communication.
This is a joke thread. That was a joke. I genuinely had no idea that you'd overreact like that. If you're not in the mood to take a joke, then perhaps this isn't the best place for you to be right now.
Did I miss your joke? No, because it was not there to miss.
Please refer once again to my previous post.
In the words of that great philosopher Rodney King, "Can't we all just get along," at least in this discussion.
Yes, we can. But you could have warned me that we're not allowed to make any jokes involving wordplay, lest we unwittingly provoke the wrath of other participants.
Even though I created this discussion, I have no authority over it. All my efforts to keep it on track have been in the form of requests. I enjoy putting my jokes up for people to see and I like their responses when they are given with an open spirit and an attempt to be funny.
In my capacity as the god of this discussion, I forgive everyone their trespasses and admonish you to go forth, multiply, subdue the earth, and try to be funny. Remember - In the beginning was the Joke, and the Joke was with T Clark, and the Joke was T Clark.
Amen.
A cop stops a biker and asks: is this motorcycle "insured"?
No, says the biker confused, from here, from Casablanca.
Message received loud and clear. So be it. No more wordplay from me. I will have to resist the urge, which is difficult when you have a name which sounds like the job title of someone who earns a living by copying manuscripts relating to a certain aromatic beverage.
When an old man shows up the visitor asks if he has lived in the house for long.
The old man answers that the property has been in his family for many generations and it is even said in the family history that they owned in the time of that interloper called Jesus.
The visitor smiles and says gently " I am that man, I am Jesus and have returned to save humanity."
The old man looks at him and laughs. "So you can prove that if I ask you some questions then?" he asks.
"Of course I can" says Jesus. "Ask all you want."
The old man rambles away and comes back shortly with a very old, very big book. "This is the history of my family. It goes back hundreds of years"
The old man asks questions taken from all sections of the book, and Jesus answers them all correctly.
The old man takes a long look at Jesus and says quietly, "One more question"
"Where did the owner of this house sit the last time you ate here?"
Jesus responded immediately, "He never sat with us, He said it would not be right of sit in with a group of friends that he was not part of"
The old man stare at Jesus for several minutes with a large smile on his lips.
"So it is true then." he said. "You promised to return and you did."
"Of course I did, I always keep my promise."
"About bloody time too." the old man screamed. "Do you know how much interest you owe on the last supper you ate?"
"My family has had to wait 2000 years for you to come and pay but now we will be rich."
Still, she decides to go visit her best friend in town.
She knock at the door and the husband opens: is your wife home, she whispers?
The guy looks left and right and whispers back: no, come in, quickly!
Geez Louise, that's not what I said. I just asked everyone to play nice.
I give that joke 4 stars. Wait, no, I mean 4 crescent moons.
Geeziana Louisiana, how many more people are going to mistake irony for stupidity? Do I have to put a winking emoji each time or something? You people are practically forcing me to commit the Jay Leno fallacy.
I hope you're happy. ;) ;) ;) <<<<<< IRONY! (I was being ironic there).
I do appreciate your use of one of my neofallacia.
The "It's 'Scottish'!" fallacy.
Do you suspect someone has been screwing your wife while you're at work? Did you lose your job due to a corporate merger and you are worried your family will now be homeless? Buddha's Clear Liquid Self-Dissolving Solution is the right solution for you.
Simply submerge the heads of the problematic selves in provided bucket containing Buddha's Clear Liquid Self-Dissolving Solution and whoila! your problems are solved.
From the makers of Ayn Rand's Industrial Strength Self-Galvanizing solution.
you should take requests and charge people for it. :)
But me no buts. It me no its >>> It them with your but. :P
Niels Bohr, Albert Einstein, and Frank are at a gay bar. Bohr sees an attractive young man at the bar. He goes over, talks to him, and gets him to spin around in a circle. Then he starts spinning in the opposite direction. Then they walk together to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later he comes back, sits back down at the table, and says “quantum entanglement.” A little later, another man comes in. Einstein looks very intently at him for a few minutes until the man walks over, takes him by the hand, and leads him out to the parking lot. A half-hour later, he comes in, sits back down, and says “Spooky action at a distance.” Soon, a third young man comes in. Frank goes over, talks to him, buys him a drink, and they go to the storage room in the back of the bar together. Twenty minutes later he comes back, walks over to the table, sits down, and says “blow job.”
I was half expecting do be do be do, but this is much better! :)
Thank you. This is my favorite joke in my collection.
True story.
Somebody else’s jokes:
He embraces the horse and whispers in its ear : "Sometimes horses don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed."
Three blind philosophers stumble upon an elephant. The philosophers consist of a materialist, an idealist, and a pragmatist. The materialist feels around and says, "This thing's alive and has a trunk like an elephant. It must be an elephant." The idealist feels around and says, "Yeah, it's definitely alive, and it has legs the size of tree trunks. It must be an elephant." The pragmatist says, "Anything that can make you guys agree on something... It must be a magic elephant."
3.5 stars. If it's your own joke, 4 stars.
"STARS..."
How very dare you?
Is she; (a) banned; (b) understood and agreed with, causing the collapse of civilisation; (c) assumed to be starting a joke thread; (d) sexually harassed; (e) mistaken for a man?
Well, @Sir2u provided the subject matter, which I'm curious about, btw.
He says to the barman "Give me a pint of bitter and fill the bucket with mild".
After downing his pint he walks out of the door with the bucket in hand and returns a few minutes later to repeat the process.
After the guy has repeated it four times the barman had become curious enough to ask wht he was doing with the bucket of mild. "You ain't givin' that beer to some kids are yer?"
"No." replies the man "It's for my magic elephant." With that he walks out with the next round.
When he returns the barman asks "Are you pullin' me leg about the elephant?"
"No, not at all. He is right outside, go and look."
S few minutes later the barman returns with a shocked look on his face. "That's a big bastard ain't he, but I don't see nothin' magical about it. What he do that?"
"He makes love to cats"
Amid howls of laughter from the crowd of drinkers the man walks out with another round followed by the happy boozers.
The barman comes up with a cat and says "I just gotta see this. I'll bet a weeks beer yer talkin' shit. What does it take to make him get it on with the moggy?"
"Well usually he does not do public performances but for a bet like that OK. Just put the cat down in front of him and back off"
When the cat is sitting in front of the elephant the man whispers in his ear "Do your stuff big boy"
The elephant lifts its might leg and stamps down on the cat.
Isaac Newton and Frank were sitting outside under a tree, talking. Suddenly a piece of fruit falls and bounces on the ground. Newton says, “Look, an apple.” Frank says, “No, that’s a fig, Isaac.”
(f) the Earth is destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass.
I think that explains life, the universe and everything.
The joke says to its human "you don't need that comfy bed in that apartment which you feel you can't afford not to pay, just sleep on the street."
The joke laughs at its human, "Frank would've told me at the right time and place in the right order without a hiccup. "
"Always you and your Frank" the human says.
Then you know this one:
What were the redneck's last words?
I see you're going back into computer generated gobbledegook mode. Or did you ever leave it? On a joke scale of 1 to 10, I classify it as "Not applicable."
It's more like a sad story with a thread-dependent context than a joke, I guess. Like the one about a disabling monster who amuses video gamers in a simulated trial of violence and self neglect.
I liked it, but I am fond of such peculiarities. Nils Loc is like a more articulate quine.
[quote= Dennett]
A scholar is just a library's way of making another library.
I don't know about you, but I am not initially attracted by the idea of my brain a s a sort of dungheap in which the larvae of other people's ideas renew themselves, before sending out copies of themselves in an informational diaspora. It does seem to rob my mind of its importance as both author and critic. Who's in charge, according to this vision -- we or our memes? [/quote]
A joke is just a comedian's way of making comedians of us all.
A comemian is only understood through the performative devices of its comemedy.
I umderstam.
Religion is heroin in Scotland?
You are really addicted to being a grammar cop, are you not? And even if you say that none are available at the moment, I know just how to call one: I just ignore all of the little red lines in my posts.
You have no idea how much fun it is to see you jump at the mistakes. Of course, you only seem to do it to mine, whilst flagrantly ignoring - or maybe failing to spot - other posters' failure to punctuate, capitalise, spell check, or even write blatant stupidity.
You butt in on my discussions and reply to things I have posted for others. This shows a total lack of the courtesy which one would expect from someone that brags about being a moderator on the forum.
I have no further wish to carry on any kind of discourse with a person that demonstrates so little respect for the members of this forum.
Also, FYI!
Please refrain from all further communication.
This is a joke thread. That was a joke. I genuinely had no idea that you'd overreact like that. If you're not in the mood to take a joke, then perhaps this isn't the best place for you to be right now.
Then again maybe @Michael was joking too. Who knows how deep the rabbit hole goes?
He can't have been. Michael is always deadly serious. Except when he's not. (Which is always).
There are exceptions, however: I am serious on Tuesdays for precisely one nanosecond.
See you next Tuesday.
You think I didn't know that? Wow. I genuinely had no idea that you'd feel the need to explain yourself like that you grammar Nazi. See this and this!
Find your insulin!
Did you miss my joke? No, because it was not there to miss.
Or was it?
Follow your instincts!
Let’s eat, grandma!
vs
Let’s eat grandma!
Will everyone please go snipe at each other on the Shout Box.
Q: DesCartes said “cogito ergo sum.” What did DesCartes’ dog say?
A: Nothing. DesCartes’ dog didn’t speak Latin.
Will you be supplying the rifles, or should we bring our own?
A Panda bear rents a room at the Mandalay Bay hotel. He eats, shoots and leaves.
Clever. Me likey.
Both are grammatically correct, the difference is the punctuation.
That telling them.
Depends on the person that you are talking about I guess, a true grammar cop would have noticed the slight immediately.
No, "who" [i]or[/I] "that".
They can be used interchangeably in this way.
Aristotle and Socrates go over to Plato’s cave to drink some beer. They find him in the back watching shadows on the wall. They see elephants, lions, and heron.
“What’re you watching?”
“Some nature show on PBS.”
“Give me the remote.” Socrates clicks through several channels until he sees men with swords and chariots fighting. “This looks good.”
“Nah, all the History Channel has is reruns.” He grabs the remote back and clicks a few more times. Then there are silhouettes of young men competing in the games - running, wrestling, and throwing the javelin.”
“Yea, look, porno.”
Why would the opi--
Oh, [I]heron[/I]. Never mind.
‘I’d tell you a joke about sodium but you probably wouldn’t get it.’
‘Try me,’
‘Na.
"Who", not "that".
Use/mention.
A man posts a vague and somewhat mysterious advertisement for a job opening. Three applicants show up for interviews: a mathematician, an engineer, and a lawyer.
The mathematician is called in first. "I can't tell you much about the position before hiring you, I'm afraid. But I'll know if you're the right man for the job by your answer to one question: what is 2 + 2?" The mathematician nods his head vigorously, muttering "2 + 2, yes, hmm." He leans back and stares at the ceiling for a while, then abruptly stands and paces around a while staring at the floor. Eventually he stops, feels around in his pockets, finds a pencil and an envelope, and begins scribbling fiercely. He sits, unfolds the envelope so he can write on the other side and scribbles some more. Eventually he stops and stares at the paper for a while, then at last, he says, "I can't tell you its value, but I can show that it exists, and it's unique."
"Alright, that's fine. Thank you for your time. Would you please send in the next applicant on your way out." The engineer comes in, gets the same speech and the same question, what is 2 + 2? He nods vigorously, looking the man right in the eye, saying, "Yeah, tough one, good, okay." He pulls a laptop out of his bag. "This'll take a few minutes," he says, and begins typing. And indeed after just a few minutes, he says, "Okay, with only the information you've given me, I'll admit I'm hesitant to say. But the different ways I've tried to approximate this, including some really nifty Monte Carlo methods, are giving me results like 3.99982, 3.99991, 4.00038, and so on, everything clustered right around 4. It's gotta be 4."
"Interesting, well, good. Thank you for your time. I believe there's one last applicant, if you would kindly send him in." The lawyer gets the same speech, and the question, what is 2 + 2? He looks at the man for a moment before smiling broadly, leans over to take a cigar from the box on the man's desk. He lights it, and after a few puffs gestures his approval. He leans back in his chair, putting in his feet up on the man's desk as he blows smoke rings, then at last he looks at the man and says, "What do you want it to be?"
Q: How many pragmatists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Why would it take more than one?
Gavan
Gavan who?
Gavangi
All philosophy only works in theory. Everything we know only works in theory. Is that a pragmatic view?
reminds me of Quine
That's it.
How many lightbulbs does it take to light a bulb?
Depends on whose bulb is being lit.
How much friction does it take to ignite a wet piece of wood?
Find out.
Sapientia posts posts postily.
Don';t you mean "eats roots shoots and leaves"?
Since we're on the subset of cultural stereotypes:
How many gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two to mix martinis and one to ring the electrician.
Five.
One to hold the bulb.
Two to pick him up and turn him.
One to read the instruction manual.
One to get the Guinness.
None. That's one of the few things men are useful for.
In addition to a "flag" tag, there should be a "TL flag" that goes directly to TimeLine so she can come and kick your ass.
DesCartes and his buddy Frank were sitting at the bar. Frank says “you look really thirsty, Renee.” DesCartes says “I am, therefore I drink?
After taking a sip Kant adjusts his waist coat and clears his throat, then announces loud enough that everyone else in the bar can hear him:
"Act only in accordance with that maxim through which you can at the same time will that it become a universal law. I am the dying man."
DesCartes' face turns redly redder, grabs the stein back, and says loud enough so that everyone else in the bar can hear him: "I drink to forget that I am. "
Frank, who is not and will never be a philosopher, watches from a barstool, easily amused.
Frank is always amused, which provides incontrovertible evidence he is not a philosopher.
After reading Schopenhauer's seminal work "The World as Will and Idea" Frank decided he would show Schopenhauer his seminal work.
"Hi Art. This is my daughter, Sophia."
Frank knows better than to read philosophy or to introduce his daughter to philosophers. Also, her name is Ellen, not Sophia.
Ellen is Frank's first child. Sophia is the youngest. How much do you really know about Frank?
Frank and I used to be pretty good friends. Then he started hanging around with Descartes in bars. You can only take so much "ge pensh donk ge schwee." Sophia is his ex-wife's daughter, They live in Sardinia.
One.
Peelings of laughter.
One penguin to other penguin: "You look like you are wearing a tuxedo."
Other penguin: "Who says I'm not?" [Prairie Home Companion joke show]
More peelings of laughter.
"What's black and white and red and runs through the forest?"
A burning nun. [1960s joke]
Stony silence.
"Why do Negroes carry pails to funerals?"
"They like to go black burying." [1907 joke book]
Gasps of horror.
Young folks used to swing on the porch. Now they swing in the Porsche.
A maid to order can't compare to a ready maid. [1965 joke book]
titters of laughter. Some hisses
Comedian takes out a semi-automatic with a jump stock.
Laughter dies.
The bar man says that there are no pets permitted.
And where the fuck am I going to tie him to if I leave him outside? Asks the parrot
A different mathematician and a different priest are having lunch at a different restaurant. The mathematician asks “Can God count to infinity?” The priest says “I’m not sure, I’ll check,” and kneels to pray. After a minute he gets up. The mathematician says “Well?” The priest says “God says the integers were easy, but for the real numbers he’s getting help from Bernie Madoff.”
The world does revolve around me.
Not a joke, but wonderful.
https://
Why did Kim Jong Un execute the man in the Chinese Room experiment?
(a) Because he suspected the man was bilingual.
(b) Because the man couldn't translate Chinese into Korean fast enough.
(c) Because the man's sister tried to cross the border.
(d) Because the man was exposed to politically dangerous semantic content.
(e) Because Kim Jong Un's blood sugar was too low.
(f) Because the Chinese Room experiment was a state sponsored exercise in torture always preceding death.
Which man? The human man who worked to translate one set of symbols into the other or the intelligent system as a whole which included the first man?
About as many as it takes to screw up a joke thread on a philosophy forum.
Three then. Abort mission.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
A: >= X!^2 + (i^2 + X)^3, where X = 1
I'm almost out of jokes. Just a few more days.
Moroccan proverb
?
who needs an enemy...
Not I. My bowels are just fine, thanks.
keep your bowels close, and your cheeks closer.
?
I thought it was cool?
Gotta all.
I certainly am not, a heckler that is. But I could be virtually anything if I wanted.
I had to read the second part twice, I thought you had accused me of wetting the forums walls.
Niels Bohr dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he finds Albert Einstein waiting to show him around. After getting the tour, Einstein says, “They have great bars in heaven, let’s go get a drink.” They go into a very nice place. Dark wood, quiet, comfortable. An angel brings them their drinks. After a while, Bohr asks if there is anything more exciting they can do, so Einstein takes him through a door in the back into a very fancy casino. There’s Jesus playing Texas Hold’em with five of his disciples. Judas seems to be winning. At the craps table there’s God himself surrounded by people from all centuries and cultures cheering him on. Dwight Eisenhower, some Neanderthal guy, and Frank are at the roulette table. Bohr says “See Albert, looks like I was right about quantum mechanics.”
So the barman gives her one!
is that the same bird that went into a bar and was told not pets allowed?
It isn't an empirical bird.
To be continued, the Noumenous Bird Theme (The Musical):
Why did the thinker ignore the bird?
Because he was
(a) a statue
(b) an idea
(c) an image
(d) a word
(e) a bird
This is it. I'm out of jokes:
Frank, Jesus, and a couple of their friends were sitting around shooting the bull and talking about their fathers. Bill told about the time he came home after curfew one night and his dad took away the car keys for a week. Alice described how her father wouldn’t let her go to a party after he caught her with her boyfriend kissing. Jesus said, “That’s nothing. After I got in a little trouble with the cops in Jerusalem, Dad grounded me for three days. On Easter weekend for Dad's sake. Now he makes me sit at his right hand and ‘judge the quick and the dead.’”
Irrefutable proof that they had great drugs in the 60's.
Great special effects. I think it foreshadows Star Wars.
I've just set up a Pandora station from that era. Gary U.S. Bonds, Beachboys, Otis Redding, Buddy Holly, Little Richard, Dion. Such wonderful music.
OK, fantastic. :D
I had a collection of about 4500 singles and maybe 1000 LPs of music from between '54 and '65.
Where is the link? 8-)
I didn't know you could link to a Pandora station. Anyway, I've just started. It isn't that populated yet.
I'm not sure if you can link to it, Pandora is not available here, but I thought that if someone has a link to a stream I might be able to listen in.
Since when are these guys Australian? Are you out of your existential mind?
Is that where you're from? New Zealand?
Tu lol
A terrorist attack kills a whole bunch of world leaders and they all end up in hell.
One of the aides tells his president that he has found an elevator that, for a fee, will allow them to go home for a while to see what is happening. All the presidents and prime ministers run to make a line.
A few Europeans get to go first and all are told they will have to pay E.1,000,000 each.
A few African and Asian representatives haggle a deal so that they can pay in dollars, 1.5 each.
Then the president steps up and asks how much he will be charged. To his and everyone else's suprise he is handed a check for half a million dollars.
When he asked why he had been given this he was told, "Shit man you have no idea how hard it is to get people down into the sub-levels, so we pay them to go".
They actually are named after him according to Wikipedia. Evidently the present owners don't consider Gottfried's mug a selling point, sadly. Nice biscuits though. If not the best of all possible. :scream:
"Don't forget this fact
You can't get it back" ...
~J.J. Cale
Bob: "Oh you know, things and stuff."