Dating and code talk.

Reply to TiredThinker Suggesting that you be friends is a brush off, walk away. If it was first date, which your write up suggests it was, a movie was a bad idea, as would have been dinner. Try something more active next time (or tell me to shut the hell up, as you did not ask) conversing while in motion is usually much more productive and less "weird energy" builds up as both of you will be distracted with movement (whatever the movement is). She wasn't committed to the other guy, and probably still isn't, until something shifted that way for her she was keeping her options open. Avoid the friend thing, unless you actually wanted to be friends initially, which again, doesn't sound like what you were going for.

Try feeding pigeons at the park, or even better, seagulls at the beach, if you have that as an option. It will also let you know where she stands on animals, getting dirty, and stepping outside the standard dates.

Reply to TiredThinker In my younger days this kind of thing could lead to unhealthy and painful obsessiveness if I thought about it too much afterwards. There's really nothing to be gained from mentally going over it, except maybe one thing, namely the takeaway lesson that when dating you should be always prepared to brush things off and walk away, like Book273 says. You should definitely do that in this case I think.

Quoting Book273

a movie was a bad idea, as would have been dinner. Try something more active next time (or tell me to shut the hell up, as you did not ask) conversing while in motion is usually much more productive and less "weird energy" builds up as both of you will be distracted with movement (whatever the movement is).

Good advice. Even better if it's something thrilling like skydiving, although that might be a hard sell. A shared adrenalin rush supposedly has a bonding effect. If you're really lucky it may also be arousing. Friends do thrilling stuff together so ya may still have a shot. Good luck!

Reply to praxis A skydiving first date?! :up: :sweat:

I certainly prefer direct language from people. I just kind of want confirmation that she actually has no interest in me at all. If she does start dating someone else I will most certainly not be able to be her friend in any event with her new time restraints and perhaps his views on other males in the picture. Should I ask to be sure? If the main suggestion is to walk away the worst outcome would be her not wanting to be friends. Lol.

Reply to TiredThinker Seriously, just walk away. Hell, she might be so stunned that she decides to pursue you. At that point...ask her to join you for skydiving lessons or to go snorkeling and chase fish in the ocean (or something similar). If she declines, walk away and never look back.

Reply to 180 Proof Awesome. You KNOW she is into you if she says yes.

Reply to Book273 Exactly. :cool:

Reply to TiredThinker

women are always monkey branching to their next hypergamy

haha

Quoting jamalrob

dating you should be always prepared to brush things off and walk away,

ask her out for coffee

since you asked you can pay

only costs 2$

during that date find out if she really likes you or not. if not then ghost her. if she does then you can hang out more split all bills 50 50 from then on.

if she really likes you she wont mind

if she minds then she doesn't really like you so ghost her

never ever ever pay for an expensive dates with todays gold digging women

Quoting MikeListeral

women are always monkey branching to their next hypergamy

Not true. And this hurts somehow.

Someone has put my insides on fire and I can't put it out. It hurts, especially because I know I won't be going out with this person. And I had been, in the past, able to not think of anything like this so much. Because I care about my work, my plans, and the fun I've had interacting with the philosophy community. Now I feel nothing else. And it's fucking...

Quoting TiredThinker

Went on a movie date today. Seemed to go pretty well and there didn't seem to be too much weird energy which is atypical when I'm involved. We had similar reactions throughout movie so it wasn't dead silence the whole time. We hugged and went home. I texted asking if she would like to hang out again. She had expressed having had a good time. She said she was also seeing someone else and had decided to go to the next level with them and suggested we be friends. But if she was already committed to commitment with this other guy why go on a date with me? It seems logical that this was a brush off, and yet she doesn't seem the type. I anticipate that as friends we will talk less and less until she's simply too busy to be bothered. Anyone see this situation any differently?

If she says "I love you as a friend", run away, bro.

Quoting Caldwell

Not true. And this hurts somehow.

Someone has put my insides on fire and I can't put it out. It hurts, especially because I know I won't be going out with this person. And I had been, in the past, able to not think of anything like this so much. Because I care about my work, my plans, and the fun I've had interacting with the philosophy community. Now I feel nothing else. And it's fucking...

And it's fucking....
Can you finish this sentence, or is it just too painful?
Either way, I am here for you even if it is just to sit beside you, having your back for awhile. :flower:

Quoting ArguingWAristotleTiff

And it's fucking....
Can you finish this sentence, or is it just too painful?
Either way, I am here for you even if it is just to sit beside you, having your back for awhile. :flower:

It's fucking unfair, Tiff. And thank you.

Quoting Caldwell

It's fucking unfair, Tiff. And thank you.

I'm sorry that life is treating you this way. You are in good company here my friend :flower:

Quoting ArguingWAristotleTiff

I'm sorry that life is treating you this way. You are in good company here my friend :flower:

I know it, Tiff. Thank you. Feeling better every half day, lol! :)

Although dating and relationships doesn't feature prominently here on philosophy forum, or I think we'd agree in philosophy circles in general, I think that's a shame.

Relationships and sexuality are a pretty central part of the human condition. Maybe a whole category could be dedicated to it. By actively, or simply by omission, somewhat avoiding the topic, I think it signals to people that "philosophers" and we who "discuss philosophy" are aloof from the real lives of people.

Of course, many more profound issues of politics and justice and morality get discussed everyday here, which I would say, whatever the "right answers" happen to be, is a precondition for a being a "good person" which is in turn a precondition for having moral merit enough to be worthy a "good relationship".

However, although this is the logical sequence, it would be delusional to expect most people, in which I include even myself, to take things in this order. The "human" order of things is in general total chaos, starting with the relationship part and facing all the issues (not only all the ethical ones, but also purely practical aspects of navigating relationship, and of course the actual love, affection, sex and all the emotions that go along with intense human drama) at the same time.

In this case I agree with essentially all the other posters that it's pointless to try to "figure out" someone's intentions and situation after a single meeting. It can sometimes take me up to two meetings to understand someone better than they understand themselves and predict most, if not all, of their actions and statements and spiritual path in life, such as their next challenges and travails and where exactly they are likely to stagnate in their understanding of the world and their place within it and simply no longer be able to review their core beliefs necessary to improve their understanding any further. One meeting is usually just not enough.

Most people are kind and polite if they aren't provoked to be otherwise, so, that a first meeting felt that it went well doesn't really inform anything at all. Who knows the reasons, and "trying to find out" is not polite nor kind. A person who feels they owe you an explanation for something will volunteer that explanation. The only situation where you can push for or even "demand" an explanation is if the laws involved in some way (they may have stolen from you, or your rights as an employee maybe infringed, etc.). There is, alas, no love police to enforce justice in these scenarios (at least not in the West).

Although I think there's a lot to talk about, as mentioned above we could have an entire category (in particular of interest to me would be the political aspects; as, modern relationship dissatisfaction is most clearly related to economic conditions: forming and maintaining stable relationships simply requires stable economic means as a prerequisite; if forming a romantic relationship is to "build something together" the followup question to that is obviously "build something with what?"; and indeed, I would argue the break down of the means of the lower classes to form long lasting relationships is not only a part, but indeed the central part, of both the isolationism capitalism fosters and requires for it's stability) ... in this particular case: build confidence.

It is not that confidence is some magical quality that manipulates people. Rather, confidence is simply being comfortable with your own beliefs and actions. Confidence can of course be used to manipulate people (con artists are not called literally "confidence men" for nothing), but they are not the same thing. Confidence is simply the manifestation of being comfortable with your own identity. It is not that this in itself will "attract people" in a general sense, rather, it will unattractate people who do not like that identity but also attract very strongly the people that do like that identity. Romantic relationships are "intense" and therefore require a "intense attraction" to start; the trope about the "nice guys" not getting girls essentially conveys the idea that they are insecure and bland and expect a minimum of social etiquette to attract someone to a high risk, high emotional investment, low probability of long term success enterprise.